Misunderstandings
by starryjen
Summary: Set 5 years after mid Season 13, Neela left Chicago six months after Michael died. She finds herself offered an opportunity that she can't refuse to return to County but so much has changed in her life. Reela.
1. Prologue The Consequences of Alcohol

Disclaimer: I don't own ER. I know its been a long time since I've updated this and that's because I've not been at all happy with it. I felt that Ray's character was too weak, and I didn't really like Neela either, so I've rewritten everything that I'd written so far, I hope you enjoy the rewrite, and I hope that I'll be able to update it more frequently than I have been, last week's episode is spurring me on! Thank you for all your reviews to the previous version. As always, reviews are like homemade chocolates, morish!

_--- Prologue: The Consequences of Alcohol ---_

She could feel the whispers of his breath tickling the hairs on the back of her neck, the full length of his body pressing against hers in a tight embrace. Neela closed her eyes again, counting to ten, half hoping that when she re-opened them she'd be in her own bed, in her own apartment, but knowing deep down that she'd still be in his. _This_ hadn't been part of her plan, they were simply going for a quick drink after work and she was going to tell him she was leaving. At some point during the evening, maybe after her fourth glass of wine, her plan had been pushed out the window as they talked about work, caught up, as they settled back into the comfort of each other's company, and as happens, normally to other people not to her, one thing had led to another, and here she was, waking up in his arms.

The problem was she knew it shouldn't have happened, as much as she might have wanted it to, it shouldn't have. This tall, gorgeous man who was wrapped around her, and who knew her better than anyone, had a girlfriend, a girl he'd been seeing for a few months, and she, well she was leaving in a few hours, something she'd neglected to tell him the night before.

As she gazed at the ceiling of his room, she tried to conjure up a new plan, it was hard when all she wanted to do was turn around and wake him with a kiss, but she had to be strong if she was to get out of this with her heart intact.

As far as Neela could tell she only had two options, to leave before he woke, or to wake him – she turned her head to gaze at him, looking almost boy like in sleep – and tell him she was leaving or she could..., no, that wasn't an option. Somehow she didn't think he'd understand why she was leaving, why would he, when she couldn't tell him the real reason. She didn't want to get into a fight either, but she also couldn't sneak out, he meant far too much to her to leave without a goodbye. She was screwed which ever option she chose.

Lifting the pale arm that was draped around her waist she slowly extracted herself from his hold, and his bed. Neela paused for a moment as he seemed to stir but he rolled onto his front, and then she started to gather her clothes from the floor, remembering with delayed embarrassment that her blouse and bra were by the couch in the other room. It was hard to believe that she was leaving, she'd wanted this to happen for so long, if she was completely honest since before she married Michael, and now here she was walking away, all because of that damned ethical alarm system of hers.

After pulling on the rest of her clothes she wandered into the kitchen, and ran the tap, waiting for it to run icy cold before she filled a glass; she could feel the onset of a hangover creeping in and she couldn't deal with that on top of everything else. She looked around the kitchen, it was relatively tidy for Ray, a few pans and some crockery piled in the sink, mail strewn across the worktop... then she realised what she could do.

She could write him a letter, she could explain why she was leaving, and he wouldn't be able to fight her or question her reasons. She quickly found a blank piece of paper and a well chewed pen and sat herself down to write. Her thoughts poured onto the paper as she told it what she couldn't tell him to his face, and as she finished she felt a wave of relief wash over her, she'd done it.

From her seat, her gaze fell across the apartment, last night was the first time in a long while that she'd been here, and she could now see the subtle changes he'd made since she left, the coffee table a foot further from the couch than it had ever been, though, of course, they could have pushed it there last night, she felt her cheeks grow warm at the thought. There was the fish tank against the wall, but she was surprised by how little else he'd changed. Apart from the table, the furniture hadn't moved, even though she strongly remembered numerous arguments about the positioning of the TV it was still in the same place it always had been.

Memories of her time there washed over her as Neela looked around, and she let them, she had a feeling this would be the last time she was here, and it seemed kind of appropriate to take some time to say goodbye to the place that had been her home for two, mostly happy, years in a way she hadn't when she moved out. She took in the couch where they'd spent so much time watching horror films, celebrity poker, and where last night - she had a flash of him above her, head lowered to her... - no she wasn't going there, not now, she'd never leave; the kitchen where he'd cooked for her, feeding her tasters straight from the pan; the bathroom where they'd argued over the hot water, the cleaning and her black eyeliner, it seemed like a lifetime ago.

Neela eventually wandered back into his room and leant against the wall, watching him sleep a while longer. She'd never tired of watching him sleep, when she'd lived here she'd often had to wake him in the morning, and she'd, on more than one occasion, found herself standing in his room, having forgotten for a second why she was there, the glass of ice cold water warming in her hand, until she remembered that it was destined for his head.

As she continued to gaze at him, his eyes slowly flickered open, and a slow smile lit up his face 'Hey'

'Hey'

As the sleep receded she notice him taking in her clothes, her upright position 'You're dressed? Why are you up? Come back to bed' he mumbled around the pillow, and then he gave her that sexy little smile of his that stirred the butterflies in her stomach every time she saw it. Surely it shouldn't be this easy, shouldn't he be embarrassed about what happened? She was, that was for sure, but the embarrassment seemed to be losing the battle against her desire to rip off her clothes and join him.

'Yeah, I have to go I'm afraid, there's somewhere I need to be' there's a plane I need to catch, she silently added as she edged towards the door, away from temptation.

He threw the sheet off, quickly pulling on a pair of boxers that were piled on the floor, as if he suddenly didn't feel quite so confident in this situation. He stopped just in front of her, her eyes level with his bare chest, if she just leant...no, not happening. 'We're okay, aren't we? I mean last night...'

Neela smiled weakly at him, unable to let him finish that sentence 'Yes, of course we are, I've just got this thing'

'We'll talk later, right? Give me a call when you're done and we can meet up, we should talk about this'

How was she supposed to answer that? She closed her eyes, fighting back the lump that was rising in her throat, if only he wasn't so... Ray, it would be easier to do this.

He reached out to gently stroke her cheek 'Hey, we'll work this out, you know? You're my best friend, I can't lose that'

She finally raised her eyes to his, covering his hand with her own 'You won't, you're my best friend too, nothing'll change that, I promise'

She leant up and gently touched her lips to his, storing the memory of their feel away to last her a lifetime, blinking back the sudden tears that rose at the thought.

She pulled away, and he followed her to the door. Even with her back to him Neela could picture how he moved as he walked; the look in his eyes as he caught hers over a crowded room, the mixture of amusement and something more; the feel of his skin, naked and hot against her own, and as she grasped the door handle she took one last glance over her shoulder, taking him in one last time, and then, with a whispered goodbye, she walked out of his apartment, and let the tears fall.


	2. Sugar Coated Secrets

_--- Chapter 1: Sugar Coated Secrets ---_

Five years later

Earache, no, sore throat, not happening, another sore throat, why did people insist on coming to County for these things, didn't they understand the concept of emergency, Ray shook his head in despair, he wished he could take them up to the ICU or let them in on a trauma, then they'd see what a real emergency was. But he couldn't, instead he had to be polite and courteous, give them the treatment and meds they needed and ship them back out the door. He just wished there was something meatier, something that would really engage him on such a slow day, but it was dead, nothing happening to make it more interesting.

'New Chief of Surgery starts today' Frank announced to the nurses lingering around the admit desk.

'I still can't believe that Crenshaw ran off to save the penguins' Haleh helped herself to one of the donuts Ray had left on the desk earlier in an effort to boost morale, or butter up the nurses, no one was sure which.

'Polar bears, they don't have penguins in the Arctic' Frank butted in.

Ray, for one, wasn't going to miss Crenshaw, the guy was an asshole, bitchy and cranky, and had been the bane of the ER for the three years since Dubenko had been promoted.

Chuny walked up at that moment 'Penguins, polar bears, who cares as long as he's not here, did you hear who they offered it to?'

Wiping sugar from her mouth, Haleh replied 'Yeah, I know' she paused to swallow 'I never thought she'd be back, she left so suddenly, I never understood why'

Frank scoffed 'She was sleeping with Dubenko, that's what I heard, and the board didn't like it, some rule about interns and Chiefs, not that they took any notice of Kovac and Lockhart, so he shipped her out'

_O...kay, this was more interesting than the charts_, Ray thought, as he shoved another one back in the rack. He hadn't heard who they'd offered it to, which was unusual, normally Greg would have mentioned something, but he had been away last weekend so he might have missed the announcement, it was strange that no one had said anything though.

'That doesn't make any sense, why would she come back, he'll still be her boss' Haleh asked.

He could see Frank in the edge of his vision slyly take another donut 'Don't shoot the messenger, I'm just telling you what I heard' he shrugged as he shoved it in his mouth 'Perhaps he couldn't bear to be apart from her any more' he mumbled around the dough 'you remember how he used to look at her, the guy's obsessed with her if you ask me'

Chuny reached over the desk, grabbing a sugary one, whilst batting Frank's hand away 'There's something suss about that, if she was sleeping with anyone it was Barnett, all they had to do was look at each other and the air was on fire'

_Woah! Did he hear that correctly? They were talking about him? _Ray shook his head, it made no sense, who was this new Chief, and how did he know her? His curiosity was piqued, and he gave up all pretence of looking at the charts, instead he leant back against the worktop, folded his arms and eavesdropped.

'Barnett?' Haleh laughed 'he wasn't her type. Don't you remember that guy, tall, well-built, can't remember his name, her hus...'

'Dr Barnett?' _Damn_. Ray turned to face the young intern standing beside him 'Dr Barnett, can you just sign off on these patients for me?'

He quickly skimmed over the charts, asking him to clarify a few points, before scrawling his signature a few times. Once he was done, he tried to pick up the conversation again.

'...was working overseas, London or something' Sam had joined them now and he couldn't tell if they were still on the same subject or not.

'Pfft, can't have been that great if she's come back here. Would you if you had the choice?' He could see Frank's point, he didn't think he'd come back if he ever left, especially if he'd made it overseas.

Sam looked over at Ray, and he quickly averted his attention back to the charts, foreign object lodged in nasal cavity, mmh, nice. 'It's not the same though, is it? She's coming back as Chief of Surgery, it's not as if she's coming back to be a resident or whatever. In any case, Abby and Luka came back'

Ray heard a snort of derision come from Frank's direction 'Yeah, from some third rate hovel, they were practically begging to be let back in'

Though he couldn't see her now, he could imagine Sam shaking her head in despair 'You better not let Kovac hear you talking like that. Anyway, I'm sure Abby said something about her being in Paris now'

Okay, seriously, who would choose County over Paris? They must be an idiot. Ray had thought about jacking it all in and going travelling, especially when things were really bad a few years ago and he'd had no reason to stick around. Instead he'd stayed put, he'd been in Chicago for eight years now, and he didn't regret it, but at times he still wished he'd seen some of the world. He'd always fancied England, some of his greatest musical influences were from there, The Clash, Sex Pistols, Generation X and you never know perhaps she'd... nah that was fanciful thinking and best left in the past. He kept flicking over the chart whilst he turned to lean against the desk again.

'Really? I thought someone said something about Rome' Chuny added.

'Paris, Rome, London, God, why would you choose to come back here if you'd lived in places like that?' he could hear the envy in Sam's voice 'I'd give my left arm just to visit them and she's lived there, and still decided to come back, she must be mad'

Ray gazed at the chart, seemingly taking inordinate interest in a kid with a toy soldier stuck up his nose, in reality the words were blurring in front of him. He had a fair idea of who they were talking about now, he should have realised earlier but he'd thought it was so impossible that he hadn't even considered her a possibility. He'd told himself she was gone, that she was never coming back, and, apart from those dreams of London, he'd learned to deal with it. But by the sound of it he'd been wrong, she had come back.

Frank looked around briefly before lowering his voice, though not so low that Ray couldn't hear 'Well, and this is just between us mind, I hear she's got a half breed brat in tow'

The chart slipped from his fingers, he caught it just as it bounced off his knees, seconds before it crashed to the floor. _A kid? Neela?_

He was too busy with his own thoughts to see the slow smile brighten Chuny's face 'A kid? _Really_? _Who_ would have guessed it?'

'What's your problem with her, Frank?' Ray looked across at them all, Haleh standing slightly apart from the rest, her hands on her hips, a picture of annoyance.

'Hmmf, her sort should just go back to where they came from, that's what' the ex-police officer turned his back on the group, fussing over the computer at the desk.

'What is her sort? Female, Indian, British? You can't go around saying things like that. You need to join the 21st Century Frank'

Oh yeah, it was her. Ray slowly placed the chart back in the rack and stared up at the board. It was her. They were talking about her. She was back. With a kid. He couldn't quite get his head around that, Neela, with a child? It was mind boggling. Why? He wasn't sure, she would be almost 34 by now, same age as him, she could have settled down, remarried, had a child, but it just didn't seem right somehow. Perhaps Frank was wrong, it had been known to happen, and there was no kid. He could deal with her being back, well perhaps not yet, but he could learn to deal with it, in any case what was it to do with him? They weren't even friends now, he needn't have anything to do with her.

'Hey Barnett, are you going to stand there staring at the board all day, or are you going to treat some patients?'


	3. Battered Arguments

_--- Chapter 2: Battered Arguments ---_

The straighteners slowly slid down her hair. She was going back. Neela could feel the restlessness in her stomach, the slight rush in her chest, she was going back. She looked at herself in the mirror, the woman staring back looked anxious, scared, unsure, for a moment she looked like a girl who started work at County 9 years ago. Pushing her shoulders back, she stood taller, feeling her confidence start to return with the pose. She laughed at her reflection, how on earth had Lucien managed to persuade her that this was a good idea? Seriously, just the thought of stepping foot inside County was reducing her to a nervous, quivering wreck, what would the actuality do?

No, she wasn't going to let this happen, she wanted this, had been desperate for the opportunity to show what she was really worth, and this was it, this was what she'd been aiming for all along. So what if it was Chicago, a place she'd never thought she'd come back to, it was just a city, just a hospital, nothing more. It only had power over her if she let it and she wasn't going to let it. Neela smiled at herself as she ran the irons through her hair once more, no she wasn't going to let it.

She pulled the plug from the socket, taking a moment to look at herself. She turned to the side and back to the front, there was no disputing it, she looked good. Her chest length hair falling perfectly over her shoulders, the slightest hint of makeup on her face. She pushed her feet into the shoes standing just to the side of the mirror, the finishing touch to her well planned outfit. Not too officious, but not too casual, a black fitted jacket and pencil straight skirt, a pale green vest top and the piece de resistance, her teal coloured heels. Okay, so she knew that she'd end up in scrubs and clogs by the end of the day, but that didn't mean she couldn't look good at the start. She took a deep breathe, smiling strongly at her reflection, it was time to go.

* * *

Neela stopped in her tracks in the middle of the sidewalk, gazing up at the grey monolith on the opposite side of the road. There it was, County General Hospital. Her stomach churned again, and she felt a wave of nausea wash over her, what was she doing here? Why had she come back? Even in the extreme cold of a Chicago January the hand holding her coffee felt clammy. This was insane, why the hell did she think she could do this, it was madness, she'd had a good job in London, she'd been fast tracked through the system, she'd been a senior consultant with her choice of surgeries, she didn't need this, she didn't need to come back here.

But, the voice in her head argued back, this was a great opportunity, an amazing one in fact, the chance to build County's surgical department into one of the best in the country, in the world even, and she was ambitious, there was no arguing with that, this was what she'd been working towards for the last however many years, this was what she'd always wanted.

Did it have to be here though? Did it have to be Chicago? Why couldn't it have been Edinburgh, or Manchester, or even Melbourne or Auckland, why here? Her heart was pounding as if she'd just completed a marathon, perhaps that was a better idea than this, perhaps she was meant to be a marathon runner not a Chief of Surgery. There really wasn't anything more satisfying than cutting into someone with a scalpel though, knowing that it was within your power to save their life or at least improve it, she didn't think she'd get the same buzz from running.

'Hey, watch it' Neela shouted as a man brushed past her, knocking her coffee over her hand. He didn't acknowledge her. She looked across the road again. She could do this. A few steps further and she stopped again, the heels had been a bad idea, who wore heels when there was two inches of snow on the ground? Obviously her. Was she really cut out for this, the board thought so and Lucien too, she remembered his words in their original conversation on the subject.

_Flashback_

_She was desperately in need of food as she put her chippy on a plate. After the flight and the journey back from the airport all she wanted to do was eat and go to bed, and then the phone started to ring. For a moment she couldn't place the sound. The telephone. A week away and within 15 minutes of walking back in the door it was ringing. Neela sighed deeply, she wouldn't answer it, knowing her luck it would be someone selling double glazing or her Aunt Jasmeet who never stopped talking, she was too tired to deal with that now. But what if was important? What if something had happened, she really should answer it, and as she watched her son start to stir, she realised it would wake Jamie up if she didn't, and she couldn't deal._

_As she lifted the receiver, she hoped that it wasn't her aunt, she'd even take a sales person over her aunt at the moment. She was pleasantly surprised that it was Lucien, her old boss from Chicago 'Neela? It's Lucien, are you okay to talk?'_

_She felt the tiredness start to recede, here was someone who'd be interested in the conference she'd just been to, unlike her mother whose eyes had glazed over as she told her about it 'Hey, I'm good, I've just got back from a conference in Sardinia, the 3__rd__ Joint Congress of the European Association for Trauma and the European Trauma Society, but I can tell you about that in a minute, what can I do for you?'_

_'I saw it advertised, looked like a good programme, you'll have to fill me in sometime. I'm afraid this isn't a social call though' _

_Was it just her or did Lucien sound wary, almost nervous? His words confused her, since they no longer worked together surely every call was a social call, what made this one any different? 'Sounds ominous'_

_'I hope not. Dustin quit this week, says he's off to study the decreasing polar ice cap in the Arctic Circle' _

_'What?' She could hear the laughter in his voice, and couldn't work out if he was fooling around or not. She didn't understand why he was calling her about this, it was funny if it was true, but there was no reason for her to know, was there?_

_'You heard me' _

_'You're kidding, since when was he interested in that?' a sudden image of Dustin dressed in a fur coat and hat sprang into her mind, at least his head wouldn't get burnt, she couldn't hold back the giggle that rose at the image._

_'Since Jane turned into an eco-warrior, he's trying to get back in her good books' _

_Now that was an explanation that made more sense, in his own strange way he'd always been doing things to impress her when Neela was there, but this seemed rather drastic even for Dustin. She snorted with laughter 'God, I miss that place, that wouldn't happen here, the most excitement we get is when someone gets flowers' she flushed as she remembered that she'd received the last lot only a week ago._

_'Well, I for one wish he'd just settled for flowers, though I'm not sure they're that green' she laughed at his dreadful joke, the tiredness starting to seep back in 'you know what I mean. But it does mean I'm suddenly short a Chief of Surgery and I was wondering...'_

_Did he just offer her... Wow, she grabbed the back of a chair before lowering herself into it, unsure that her legs could support her much longer. Her heart was pounding in her chest, this was what she'd been aiming towards, her ambition in life. She felt the word 'yes' start to form in her mouth and then it dawned on her. Lucien was in Chicago, the position was in Chicago. Her heart plummeted to her stomach. Chicago. She wasn't going back there, she couldn't go back there. Everything that happened there was in her past, and she wasn't ready to revisit it. 'I'm sorry Lucien' even she could hear the hesitancy in her voice 'I'm flattered you thought of me, I really am, but I'm settled here'_

_'Don't make a rash decision, I know you're after a Head of Surgery post, you've told me that on many occasions, why not County?'_

_He was right, this was what she'd wanted for so long, but she couldn't do it, not at County. She could feel the ghosts from Chicago starting to stir, and she desperately tried to shut the lid on them again 'My home is here, my family's here, my life's here, what more of a reason do I need?' He couldn't argue with that, could he? She suddenly remembered quite how persuasive Lucien could be when he wanted something, but it wasn't going to work this time, her life was in London now, and she wasn't moving._

_'You once had a home here, don't you remember that? You've still got friends here, and if I'm not mistaken there's such a thing as air travel, you can still see your family. Come on, you just said you miss County, surely that counts for something?'_

_Okay, this was a new level to his persuasiveness, a counter argument for every one of her reasons, she couldn't let him win though, not this time. 'That was a long time ago, things have changed, I've changed, I'm not the girl I was there' she found herself gazing at the little boy lying on the couch, no she wasn't the girl she'd once been._

_'I know that Neela, I've seen it. I wouldn't be offering you this position if you were. I've seen you talk at conferences, I've spoken to Liz Corday who highly recommends you, you've turned into an amazing surgeon, and a person I'm honoured to know'_

_She hadn't been expecting to hear that, but, she reminded herself, he was still trying to butter her up, get her to say yes and this was just part of his way 'And I owe it all to you for getting me this opportunity, but you're forgetting something Lucien, I'm a mother now, whatever I do I have to put Jamie first and that's why I can't move'_

_'I haven't forgotten that, but why can't you raise him in Chicago? People do, I spoke to Abby and she said there's lot of day care options available, they manage, why shouldn't you?'_

_She sighed wearily, now she'd get Abby on her case as well, why couldn't he understand that she was saying no? She didn't need all the hassle of finding somewhere new to live, find a daycare place for Jamie that would accommodate what she knew would be long hours, especially when he was so happy being with her family when she was working. _

_For a moment she considered telling him the real reason why she wouldn't go back. The story of the roommate. He'd never asked who Jamie's father was, she could still remember his shock when he'd found out, but he was one of the few people who'd just let her be, asking her no questions and requiring her to tell no lies. She'd always sensed he was curious though, and if she really believed that it would make a difference she'd tell him, however she had a sneaky suspicion that he'd just use it as part of his plot to get her to Chicago. For the moment she'd stick to the reasons she'd used so far, keep that for when she needed to pull out the heavy artillery. _

_'It's different for them Lucien, they've got each other, if I went back I'd be on my own with no support' she took a deep breath, finding herself wishing that it had been her Aunt Jasmeet on the phone, it couldn't have been any worse than this 'Lucien, Jamie's never been to daycare, my mum looks after him at the moment, everyone he knows is here, this is the only life he knows, I can't take that all away from him, put him in a new city where strangers have to look after him, can I? And daycare fees are astronomical, I'd have no money left at the end of the month, I'd never see him because I'd be working all hours, its just not worth it, I'm sorry' there, she'd put all her cards, except for that one, on the table, how could he argue with her now? She felt guilty using Jamie as an excuse, what she'd said wasn't even true, he would love to be near Joe, the two chatted constantly on Skype, and, if she admitted it, it would be great to be near Abby again, but being near Abby and Joe meant being near him and she hadn't spoken to him since she'd left, it would be too awkward, too difficult, and that negative definitely outweighed any positives._

_'Neela...' there was an urgency in his voice that hadn't been there earlier 'you wouldn't have to worry about money I can promise you, the board want you, and they will pay whatever it takes to get you. Don't you get it, you're hot property, you're the only one they want to take over from Dustin, you can make it work if you really want to'_

_'I'm flattered Lucien' she covered her mouth to mask a yawn 'I am, it would be a great opportunity, but Jamie...'_

_She heard him sigh 'Neela, don't use Jamie as an excuse, you either want it or not. If you're happy, he'll be happy'_

_'I guess, there's something else though' she wasn't sure she was ready to tell him the full story, she was exhausted and couldn't deal with this now 'a lot happened when I was there, things I found it hard to deal with, I've moved on now, and I don't want to open those old wounds'_

_'You said it earlier though, you're a different person now, if you weren't we wouldn't be having this conversation. All I'm asking is that you think about it, don't rule it out straight away, can you do that for me at least?'_

_He was right, she owed him that much after all he'd done for her over the years, without him she wouldn't be in this position now. She'd give him what he wanted, she'd think about it, make no instantaneous decisions but she knew deep down that returning to Chicago just wasn't going to happen. She smiled tiredly 'yeah I can do that. Now I'm not being rude but I'm exhausted, its been a really long day and...'_

_End Flashback_

He'd managed to persuade her in the end, even after she'd revealed all her reasons, but was she really cut out for it? Was she ready to be in charge of people who'd seen Dusty treat her like something he'd got on his shoe, to make financial decisions, to be responsible for everyone who passed through her department. She felt herself standing taller, her shoulders sliding back and down, yes she was.

Despite being ready to do the work she knew that the real issue for her fear was that somewhere deep inside that ugly, grey building was Ray. The man she'd loved for the longest of times, the man she hadn't told she was leaving, the man whose child she'd borne. The idea of seeing him terrified her, made her legs feel like rubber, and the churning intensify in her stomach. She'd moved on, she knew that she had but the thought still terrified her. She didn't know what to expect when she saw him, would he just blank her, ignore what had happened, or would he be angry, resentful at how she'd left or would he just be... Ray, she wasn't sure what would be worse. He couldn't possibly still hold a grudge about her leaving, could he? It was five years ago, he'd have moved on by now surely, she laughed bitterly, of course he'd moved on he'd been with someone else at the time, hadn't he? She should have asked Abby, would have but they hadn't mentioned his name in four and a half years, not until she'd announced she was returning and even then all that Abby had said was that he deserved to know about his son, but that wasn't what she wanted. What if he found out, he'd hate her forever, but he wasn't going to find out, was he? She'd made that decision a long time ago, and she wasn't going to change it now.

'You going to stand there all day?' she turned to see Abby standing beside her, a smug smile on her face.

'I'm considering it' she took a sip of the still scalding coffee.

'And I thought you'd grown up whilst you were away' Abby teased as she pulled her coat tighter. It had clouded over since Neela had gotten up, clouds that were threatening rain, or given the temperature, snow.

'Why did I think I could come back? I've moved on' she wasn't a hundred percent sure what or who she was talking about.

The other doctor shrugged 'If that's true I don't see what the problem is, its just a hospital, just a job' she was echoing Neela's thoughts 'or could it be that you're not talking about work, that its about a certain ER attending we all know and love'

Neela fought the colour she could feel rising up her neck 'Don't be stupid, I don't know what you're talking about, that's all in the past'

'Really?' Abby peered at her 'So its not the prospect of seeing him that's got you all hot and bothered?'

'Of course not, why would it be?' she was taking an extreme interest in the manufacturing technique of her paper coffee cup, anything to prevent her from meeting Abby's eyes.

'I don't know, something to do with him being the father of your child and the lo...'

Neela cut her off before she finished the sentence 'that's all he is to me, Jamie's father, now if you'll excuse me, some of us have jobs to go to' and with that she strode out across the road to the main entrance, leaving a bemused Abby standing on the pavement shaking her head.


	4. Frozen Goodbyes

_---- Chapter 3: Frozen Goodbyes ----_

He spotted her as she walked back from the coffee stand, a steaming cup of coffee held between two hands.

'Hey Lockhart, wait up a second' with a quick look each way he jogged across the road, stopping just in front of her. He started to open his mouth, only to realise that the casual, carefree script that he'd been rehearsing for the last hour or so had vanished from his mind.

He could tell Abby was waiting for him to speak 'Okay, you know, its not important, forget about it'

A smirk appeared on her face 'You ran over here for nothing, is that what you're saying? Pull the other one, what do you want?'

Ray paused for a moment, looking towards the sky as he tried to articulate his thoughts now that his script was gone 'I just...' he met her gaze briefly 'its just that I've heard some rumours' he felt like a shy school boy trying to find out if some girl liked him but unsure whether he wanted to know or not; it was a long time since he'd felt like that.

'You shouldn't listen to rumours' she looked bemused 'I mean, I once heard one about you and me, people will believe anything'

'You mean I never made you _hot_? He pouted, but the laughter was still visible in his eyes as he danced in front of her 'I'm hurt, I really am'

Abby shivered, pulling her coat tighter once again 'Sorry to disappoint, but no, never'

'That's your story'

'Whatever you want to think Ray. Some of us have work to do' was her parting shot as she started to walk away.

Ray reached out to grab her arm as she passed 'Wait a minute' he shoved his hands deep in his pockets, whilst looking at his feet 'the thing is...' he raised his eyes to meet hers, his pleading for honesty 'I heard that Neela's back, is it true? I just' he let out a sigh 'I didn't know who to ask'

'Ray...' Abby reached out to touch his arm, and at that moment her pager went off 'damn, sorry I need to get back in there, we'll talk later, okay?'

He found himself nodding as she ran back to the ER, dumping her coffee in a bin on her way. She hadn't needed to say anything anyway, the truth had been there in her eyes, he'd seen it just before her pager sounded. It _was_ true, he thought, as he slumped on the wooden bench just outside the entrance. He let out a long breath, whilst running a hand through his hair, he didn't know how he felt about it, he really didn't.

Those first few months after she'd left it was all he'd wanted, he'd missed her so much it felt like someone had torn his heart from his chest, which in effect she had. But after a while, he'd realised that he had to move on, that she wasn't coming back. He'd found it pretty depressing to think that he'd probably met, and lost, the love of his life before his 30th birthday, but that was life, there were no happy endings. He was pretty happy with his lot now, he had a good job, a decent apartment, his choice of female company, what more could he want? It was a question he never answered.

For a long time after she'd left he'd hated her, hated her with a vengeance, for smashing his heart to pieces without a second thought.

_Flashback_

_The door closed behind her, and he had to fight back the urge to wrench it open and drag her back to bed. There was no hurry though, they had all the time in the world, it had taken them this long, what difference would another few hours make. She'd said she'd call him when she was done with her thing, and he believed her. He swallowed back a yawn, it had been a long night, he wasn't complaining, but his body still ached for sleep, so he made his way back to his room, studiously ignoring the telephone, fighting back the desire to call Lorna and end that relationship. There was still too much to be said between Neela and him for that to happen, yet. Maybe in a few hours, maybe when they'd cleared the air, talked about how they felt, maybe... he pulled back the covers and climbed back into bed, inhaling the sweet smell of her as sleep rapidly overcame him._

_----_

_Despite it being no brighter outside he knew when he next woke that he'd been asleep for a good few hours. He glanced over at the alarm clock beside his bed, 11.30. He stretched, all the muscles in his body contorting with the act, he knew he really should get up if he was going to make the most of his day off, and he wanted to be ready when Neela rang._

_Ray was smiling as he walked towards the kitchen, having pulled his jeans on._

_The smile slowly slid from his face as he saw what was pinned to the refrigerator. He'd know that handwriting anywhere, it was Neela's. And it hadn't been there yesterday, or last night, which meant... He took a steadying breath, grasping the worktop to steady his suddenly weak legs. Without reading it, without even removing it from the fridge, he knew it could only be bad._

_What did she need to say that she couldn't tell him in person, why a letter? Ray's hand was shaking as he removed the cartoon magnet, the paper falling into his palm. He was being stupid, he knew that, she was probably just embarrassed about what they'd done and was trying to save face. He knew Neela, and she'd be angry with herself, and him, because of it, but he would persuade her that it was always going to happen one day, that he'd straighten things out with Lorna, that she just needed to trust him. As he turned to lean against the side, slowly unfolding the page he realised that his little pep talk was doing nothing assuage his fears._

_Dear Ray_

_I know this is the coward's way out, but I'm short of time, and after last night, I don't know if I can tell you this face to face. The thing is I'm leaving, Chicago I mean, well really the States, today. Lucien's come up with an amazing opportunity for me in London, so I guess you could say I'm going home. _

_I don't know if you remember Dr Corday, she was married to the illustrious Mark Green, well she's the Head of Surgery at University College Hospital in London now, one of the most prestigious surgical departments in the world, and he's arranged for me to work with her. I start on Monday, and am on the 11.45 flight today so that I've got time to acclimatise. I'll finish my residency there, under her tutorage, I'll be learning from one of the very best, not that Lucien isn't a great teacher but I feel I have to take this opportunity. I'm sure you can understand why._

_The past year has been difficult for me as I'm sure you know, and I still feel the pain of Michael's death every day, I hope that making this move will go some way to easing that, and if it wasn't for leaving my friends I wouldn't be that sad about going. But that's the hardest part, leaving all of you, especially you. I never dreamt when I met you that you would become such a good friend to me, and you have to believe me when I say that you're my best friend and I will miss you immensely._

_Please don't hate me for this, or for writing it in a letter, I value your friendship so much and I don't want this to come between us, you mean too much to me to lose you. I've enclosed my address in London, and you already have my cell number and email address so there's no excuse not to keep in touch, please promise you will, maybe you could come and visit one day and I could show you the sights like we once talked about._

_Please forgive me._

_love_

_Neela_

_He couldn't make sense of what he was reading, the letters jumbling on the page in front of him. He felt his legs start to give way, and he slid to the floor as if in slow motion, the only thought registering in his mind was that she was gone._

_He wanted to pull himself to his feet, run after her, do what the heroes did in those films she watched, the romantic chase to the airport, but he knew there was no point, her flight left in 15 minutes, there was no way in the world he could make it there in that time, it didn't matter how much he wanted to, and he most definitely wanted to, it just wasn't physically possible._

_He felt the pressure of anger and frustration rising up inside him, until it became too much and he lashed out at a cupboard door with his fist. The cheap fixture splintered, and shards of paint fell to the floor, resembling the broken fragments of his heart. Why hadn't she talked to him about this? She was his best friend for god's sake, didn't his opinion count, didn't she know how important she was to him? For a second he found himself wondering if this was some kind of lame April Fools trick, that any moment now she'd burst back into the apartment and laugh at his foolishness, but deep down he knew that this was real, that she'd left and not told him about it until it was too late. That was how much she valued their friendship. Had she been laughing at him this morning when he'd called her his best friend?_

_Then he remembered the look in her eyes, the hint of moisture which he thought he'd imagined at the time, and he knew that wasn't the case. So why had she left? It couldn't have been because they had had sex last night, everything she talked about had been arranged long before last night, and she'd never even hinted that she wouldn't be around. They'd made plans for... no, he'd made plans for them to go and see some horror movie next week, he realised now that she hadn't agreed or disagreed, because she knew she wouldn't be here then._

_He sighed, his head collapsing onto his arms as his anger melted away, leaving him with an indescribable feeling of loss so heavy that he could hardly breath. The piece of paper slipped through his fingers, floating to rest under the refrigerator._

_End flashback_

She'd written him a letter, asking him to keep in touch, that she couldn't bear to lose his friendship, he laughed bitterly at the memory, friends, that was all she'd thought of him as, her best friend. Had she truly believed that he could be friends with her when he knew what it was like to hold her in his arms, to feel her body tense around him, when he'd been as close as was physically possible to her, he couldn't do that. The idea of listening on the phone to details of her new life had incensed him, the thought of reading emails that mentioned new boyfriends had turned his stomach, if she wasn't here with him he didn't want to hear about it. So he hadn't phoned her, or emailed, or written, and he'd ignored her emails, deleting them without replying until the day, six weeks after she left, when he didn't get one. Two days later he'd asked Lorna to move in, that was the day he'd known that Neela wasn't coming back.


	5. In Need of Tea

Disclaimer: I don't own ER. Thanks for all your reviews, I've taken note that Frank was OOC (lets put it down to him having a bad day!) and will try to ensure that I get his character right next time he appears. Hope you enjoy.

_--- Chapter 4 - In Need of Tea __---_

As she gazed out of her office window at the grey, snow smattered city she couldn't help but think back to her first day in London.

_FLASHBACK_

_Neela's bag thumped to the floor as she walked into her apartment, no, flat, she was in England now. Normally she would have hung it under her jacket beside the door but she was too tired to be concerned with tidiness. What did it matter anyway, she was the only person who lived here, no one was going to tell her off for making a mess._

_Next the jacket descended to the floor as she made her way over to the table where she'd left her laptop. She kicked off her shoes as she settled into the seat pulling the computer on to her lap._

_She was tired, exhausted really, but her mind was buzzing and there was only one person she wanted to share her first day with. The laptop finished booting up and she opened her email application, scanning the incoming emails hopefully, but as on previous days what she was looking for wasn't there. An email from Abby, a special offer from a photo development company and plenty of spam, but again nothing from Ray. She hadn't really expected it, she'd been in London six days now, had emailed him everyday, but he still hadn't responded. It was making her angry, and upset, she couldn't believe he was letting pettiness, she thought that was what it was, get in the way of their friendship. She had to hope that he'd snap out of it soon and they could return to normal, pretend that last Monday never happened, which was why every time she clicked the Get New Mail button her stomach did back flips in anticipation, she had to believe that one day he'd reply._

_She clicked the New Message button._

_Dear Ray_

_I'm not going to apologise any more for not telling you I was leaving, I've explained my reasons numerous times over the last few days and I've got too much to say to get into it again. I just hope that one day you'll forgive me and we can move past this._

_Today was my first day at University College, mainly induction, getting my pass printed, meeting with personnel, health and safety procedures and a tour of the hospital, you know the drill. Its smaller than County though I'm sure I'll still get lost for a while; as long as I can remember where surgery is and the ER I should be okay, fingers crossed!_

_The people seem nice from what I've seen soon so far. I haven't really spoken to anyone apart from Elizabeth Corday. She seems quite strict but friendly, I think I'll learn a lot from her, I hope so. My first impression is that she's very different from Lucien, as I've said already I've been to dinner at hers a couple of times and she was very different there to how she was today, a lot more relaxed. I suppose that's how you have to be to do this job, I'm sure you would say that I'll fit in perfectly._

_I know I've said it already but its really strange being back in London. I'm used to being the only Brit around and now __I__'m not and I can't get used to not hearing American accents everywhere I go. I think someone mentioned that the orthopaedic surgeon was from LA so I might have to go to him for a fix when necessary, though if someone from Chicago was to return my calls I wouldn't have to, hint, hint!_

_I'd forgotten what the weather was like here in February. My shift started at 5.30, so there was me first thing this morning piling layer upon layer, my hat, scarf and gloves and my heavy boots, you know the ones that trailed half of Chicago through our apartment, and then walked out the door. It was so mild about 7C, by the time I got to work I was sweltering and feeling very foolish. The thing is though that the weather changes really quickly here, they say you can get four seasons in one day and they're not wrong, so you can never really be prepared for what's going to happen. Oh no, I'm talking about the weather, that's not a good sign, I think its the exhaustion talking. Well if I'm ever going to eat before I crash I best go now. Hope to hear from you soon._

_Love Neela_

_There was more she wanted to say, much more. He didn't need to know that she was struggling to sleep since she got back, she blamed the jet lag but honestly she was finding she couldn't get comfortable without Ray's arms around her. Ridiculous really, one night shouldn't be having such an effect on her sleep pattern. He also didn't need to know that she had a stupid crush on him, that he was all she could think about, because that's what it was, it couldn't be love, well that's what she was telling herself._

END FLASHBACK

Five years on and it couldn't be more different. Whereas then she'd longed to hear his voice or even better see him, today she was just relieved that their paths hadn't crossed. All day, every corner she'd turned she'd braced herself to see him standing there, and each time he wasn't she'd relaxed a bit more.

It had helped that she'd had meetings all morning, she thought as she watched a rig leave the ambulance bay. First there had been the big one, meeting the members of the board, that one had had her knees shaking. It hadn't helped that they'd all been talking, and as she'd opened the door the room had fallen silent, what else was she supposed to think other than that they'd been talking about her.

She'd had the same feeling when she'd entered the Heads of Departments meeting, there there were some familiar faces as well as some she didn't recognise. She knew from Abby that Greg had been appointed Chief of Emergency Medicine after a succession of others who hadn't had what it took to run the department. When she'd left County she hadn't really kept in touch with anyone other than Abby, though she had tried with Ray. The edges had still been too raw for her to want constant reminders, but it had been good to catch up with Greg and she'd even found herself telling him about Jamie. She'd been concerned about his reaction to that news, but time being the great healer it was he'd been fine, saying that he looking forward to meeting him one day. That had made the rest of her day much easier, not that she needed Greg's approval, but it did make everything smoother.

She was dragged away from her analysis of the day by a sharp rap on the door; she turned in time to see Abby poke her head around it 'Hey, how's it going?'

Neela smiled 'Pretty good really, I could have easily walked away this morning but it wasn't too bad at all'

Abby looked around the room as she walked in 'that's great, hey, this isn't too shabby is it? Obviously the move from the ER has its perks'

She relaxed back into her chair 'mmh, I suppose its not too bad' she reached out to straighten the picture of Jamie on her desk 'I'll tell you something though, I could kill whoever is spreading those rumours'

Her friend laughed 'I don't doubt you could but there would be no staff left in this hospital if you did'

'It's that bad, is it?' Abby nodded 'I swear the board members were discussing them when I walked into that room, they've employed me and they still believe them. If Lucien hadn't been there to deflect them...' she shrugged, there was nothing she could do about it, she'd be yesterday's news soon enough.

'That probably added more credence to them'

Neela laughed 'God, you're right, why hadn't I thought of that. Here was me thinking that he was my knight in shining scrubs' her eyes lit up at the thought.

Abby smirked in response 'that's really bad, even by your standards. There was another...' she tugged at her hair, finally pushing it behind her ear 'the reason I asked was that... God, this is hard... Ray was asking if they were true, I just thought you should know'

'If what was true?' she found herself straightening up in the chair, her hackles rising 'That I'm back? Well, unless he's buried himself in a pit, he'll realise that's true. What else? I'd hope to hell that he knows I slept with him though it would be pushing it to call it an affair' she was aware that her voice was getting louder 'Lucien? He used to know me well enough to know that's not true. Jamie? Jamie's nothing to do with him' she knew she was sounding hysterical but just the thought of him asking questions riled her.

She wanted to slap Abby for the sympathetic look she was giving her 'Calm down, he only asked if you were back. He didn't have the chance to ask anything else cause I got paged'

Neela relaxed back into the chair again, feeling suddenly deflated 'Oh, well, as I said he's going to find that out soon enough, I'm not hiding from him. If he's got a problem with me that's for him to deal with'

Abby fidgeted in her seat, looking increasingly uncomfortable 'are you going to tell him about...'

She sighed 'Abby, no, we've had this conversation before, I'm not telling him'

'But surely...'

'Abby please' she felt a wave of exhaustion wash over her 'don't start this again, its been a long day and all I want is to get home to my son'

'Okay, I'll leave it for now, but you need to think about it, things are different now' Funny, Neela thought, a lot of people seemed to be telling her to think about it at the moment.


	6. Kisses for Breakfast, Cold Shoulder for

Disclaimer: I don't own ER. This is something like my ninth attempt to write this, and I'm finally happy enough to post it. Thank you all for your lovely reviews, I hope you enjoy this chapter, and as always feedback is like chocolate, I always need more.

--- Chapter 5 – Kisses for Breakfast, Cold Shoulder for Lunch ---

Ray paused at the door, as he had at every door and elevator for the last week. He stumbled backwards slightly, the sight like a fist to his stomach, this time was different, this time she was in there.

Damn, look at her, if anything she looked more beautiful than he remembered, her dark hair falling over her shoulders longer than it had been, he could drown in her eyes, and her smile...

_He buried his fingers deep in her soft silky hair. His hands framing her face as he tipped her head to meet his. And as he leant forward, closer, to his lips finally, finally touching hers..._

His gaze sprung open to meet her questioning gaze through the glass and he felt his mouth turn up in a smile as his stomach flipped and then flopped. He pushed the door open 'hey'

'Dr Barnett' Steven waved his arms in Neela's direction 'this is the fabulous Dr Rasgotra, she's just moved here from London town' the latter was said in a terrible fake London accent 'to be the new Chief of Surgery'

'I know, we've already met' he didn't turn to face the young intern as he spoke, his eyes never left hers.

'How so?' he didn't pause long enough for Ray to answer 'But I bet you didn't know that this gorgeous creature interned in the ER here at County before she switched to Surgery, what I wouldn't have given to have worked with her'

Ray laughed softly as the colour rose up Neela's cheeks 'You don't say, we knew each other back then. How are you, Neela?'

'What? You two, like, worked together before, no way, this is surreal and just think you haven't seen each other in what, five years? Or have you? Did you keep...' Steven trailed off as it became clear that neither Ray nor Neela was listening to him.

'Hey' she smiled 'I'm pretty good, what about you Ray?' Her lungs felt like they'd frozen in her chest but she knew it didn't show on the outside, she'd learnt to hide her feelings pretty early on in her time in London. Damn, he still looked as good as she'd remembered, older, his clothing slightly tamer than it had been, but still too good-looking for his own good, or hers. What she wouldn't have given for him to have developed a paunch or for his hair to have started receding, it would have made it much easier for her, would have stopped the Olympic gymnast team performing in her stomach, though from her son's point of view she was relieved that neither was true.

She could feel his smile warming her from the inside out, in a way she'd really hoped it wouldn't, and she could feel herself smiling back instinctively.

God, look at that smile, it was so long since he'd seen her look like that, seen her look at him like that.

_Flashback_

_She was above him, looking down at him, a small smile toying at her lips. Her hair was cascading across his stomach as her lips slowly trailed kisses over his chest, tasting and licking as she went. Her eyes never left his, echoed in them the smile he'd seen just before. He'd never seen her like this before, and, if it was possible, it was making him fall even more heavily for her._

_Neela's tongue snaked its way up his neck, teasing his stubble and heightening his desire as she went, her body pressing against his. He was aching to taste her, to feel as close to her as possible, and, as his fingers tangled in her hair, pulling her mouth closer to his, he realised that she was the one he hadn't known he was waiting for, that she could very well be the love of his life._

_Their mouths and tongues continued to dance until their need for oxygen became, momentarily, more important than their need for each other. As she pulled away he could see the naked want in her eyes, but there was something else there too, he was pretty certain that he could see all of his own feelings reflected right back at him._

_Then she moved her hips and he lost all conscious thought, letting his feelings an desires take control._

_End flashback_

He almost closed his eyes at the sound of his name on her lips after so long 'I'm...' his tongue tripped up his words 'I'm okay, so umm, how does it feel to be back at County? I was under the impression that you never intended to come back' As the words came out of his mouth, he saw her barriers start to rise, and he knew it was his fault.

The smile had slipped from her face, she knew that, an emotionless mask falling into its place. She'd had a lot of practise at that but she'd never realised that one day she'd be using it to protect herself from him. She could feel her body stiffen, tightening her defences. How the hell could he stand there, looking like that, saying that, when he hadn't kept in touch, hadn't replied to her emails, hadn't called her back? How could he be so nice and charming, turning back time and making her feel like the foolish girl she'd once been, when he'd hurt her so badly last time. 'And you would know this how?'

She turned her attention back to the patient and it felt like he'd been dismissed. He'd done this, him, he'd pushed her away when she left, he'd never answered her calls, or written back. Why? He didn't know, he really didn't know, he'd been angry that she'd left without talking it through with him, but it was more than that, he'd been punishing her for not loving him back, trying to make her hurt as much as he did. Because she didn't love him back, he knew that, if she had she'd never have left.

'Lets get him up to the ER. Steven, if you can help me?' She was struggling to keep her voice level as she directed her words at the intern.

'Sure Dr Rasgotra' he moved to grab one of the rails on the trolley, the look on his face as Ray beat him to it would have been comical if either of them had noticed.

'Ray...' Why couldn't he leave her be? She'd thought that coming back was going okay but at this moment she'd give pretty much anything to be anywhere but County.

'Neela...' he ducked his head trying to make eye contact, to get a smile out of her, but it didn't seem to be working 'We need to talk, I'll take him up with you'

She bit her lip, averting her eyes so that he couldn't see how easily he'd won her round 'Lets go then'

An awkward silence accompanied them as they walked towards the elevator, neither of them sure how to continue. Ray couldn't stop himself from taking surreptitious glances at her, it had been so long, too long since he'd seen her and now he just wanted to soak her up.

Neela steeled herself not to look at him, her eyes only straying as far as his hands, not allowing them to travel further. His hands were long and slender but strong, she could remember how they'd felt against her skin, the contrast of colours as his met hers, how tenderly he'd held her as they slept. She remembered...

_Flashback_

_Neela couldn't stop the tears from falling. Ray should have been here, she wanted him here so much. She wanted him to meet his son. His son, this tiny little baby in her arms was their son and she needed him to be with them._

_She couldn't take her eyes of him, he was so beautiful, so tiny, the dark, downy hair on his head so soft, five tiny fingers gripping her own, she wanted this little boy to know his father, she wanted his father to know him._

_She brushed the tears from her cheeks with her free hand hand then reached for her mobile, keeping a firm hold on the baby._

_His number was still in there, she hadn't dialled it since that day, hadn't been able to bring herself to make that call again, but now, she gazed down at their son, fresh tears clouding her vision, now he needed to know._

_Her finger hovered over the call button for a moment before pressing it down, her heart racing faster as she heard the clicks connecting her overseas, her breath getting shorter as the line started to ring. _

_It was his cell, he carried it everywhere, even so it seemed to be taking an age for him to answer._

_'Hello? Ray's cell' the voice that answered was feminine, chirpy and bright, as if the person had had one too many sugars in their coffee. _

_Neela closed her eyes for a moment, she wasn't prepared for this, she wasn't ready to speak to Ray's girlfriend._

_'Hellooo?' the voice rang out down the line again._

_'Umm, hi, its Neela, I was looking for Ray actually, is he there, its kind of import...' she pulled the phone away from her ear, looking at it as if to confirm what she'd heard, yeah, she'd heard right, Call Disconnected._

_The tears started to fall faster than before as she pulled her son closer to her, kissing his forehead as she tried to hold the sobs in. She'd never felt more alone than at that moment, she wanted Ray, and he wasn't hers to want._

_End flashback_

She blinked back the image, as she gulped down the tears that had risen with it. If things had been different...

Ray reach out to press the elevator button, he'd never imagined that he would feel this awkward if he saw her again. He guessed he'd thought they would just fall back into their old ways, the banter, the undercurrent of flirting, never like this 'Look, I know I handled things badly when you left...'

'How's Lorna?'

They spoke at the same time, neither able to deal with the silence any longer, but the silence that followed was even worse. They didn't look at each other as they wheeled the trolley forward.

Lorna? It took a moment for his brain to catch up. Why was she asking about Lorna? Then he remembered, he'd been seeing her when Neela left, it had never been that serious, not on his side at least, and he hadn't seen or thought about her in the last three or four years. 'We split up a few years back, it wasn't that serious'

She could feel her heart absorbing the blow, all the air being squeezed from her chest. She couldn't think, couldn't process what he'd said, she had the oddest thought that she was going to pass out, her hands tightening on the rail to keep herself upright.

'Neela?' the colour had drained from her face 'Neela, are you okay?'

She had to pull herself together, she couldn't let him see her like this 'uh, yeah, I'm fine' Neela couldn't stop the images flooding her mind, the three of them together, a happy family, if she'd known... 'I'm sorry, I guess I didn't know, last I heard you were moving in together' that was a moment she'd relived so many times, hoping, praying, wondering, dreaming if things would have been different if Lorna hadn't been around.

She'd moved in two months after Neela left, two long, desperate months of wanting to jump on the next plane to London, of wanting to pick up the phone just to hear her voice. Two months of hanging up before he was connected because really what was the point, she was where she wanted to be, if she'd wanted to be with him she'd have stayed. 'Don't worry about it, we weren't... you and I...' shit was it really this hard to apologise? 'I'm sorry'

She took a deep breath, he couldn't be saying what she thought he was, he didn't get to do that 'What?'

He stared at the changing floor numbers unable to look at her while he said it 'I'm sorry, I was a jerk, I couldn't understand how you could leave without talking to me, so I pushed you away'

'It was a long time ago, it doesn't matter now' Like hell it didn't, if he hadn't treated her like that, if he'd returned just one of her phone calls, her life over the last five years could have been very different, her son might know his father.

Leaning heavily against the metal barrier of the gurney it reminded him of previous trips they'd taken in this elevator, even in their most difficult times it had never been like this, if he'd had a scalpel he could have cut the tension between them 'Neela...'

She puller her gaze away from the machines monitoring the patient to meet his again.

'this...' he gestured to the space between them 'it feels so wrong, its like we never knew each other'

Neela closed her eyes briefly 'Ray...' his name came out on a sigh 'its been five years, you can't expect things to be the way they were we know nothing about each other now' and if he knew the secret she'd kept from him for all of that time, he'd never want to speak to her again.

He knew how she drank her tea, that she preferred Special K to his sugary crap as she'd always called it, that she was addicted to celebrity poker but would kill him if he told anyone. But that was five years ago, she was right, he knew nothing about her now, he didn't know if any of that was still true. He didn't know if the rumours were true, he wanted to though, in that instant he knew he wanted to be a part of her life again. Needed to be. He looked at his reflection in the hazy mirrored walls, his words falling softly 'I know that, it just doesn't feel right, can you see that? I should know what to say to you Neela, it shouldn't be like this'

She reached out to touch his arm, trying to ignore the feelings that coursed through her veins when she made contact. This was going to be hard, but she had to be strong, she couldn't let him in again, not after last time. 'Like I said, its been a long time, we've not been in touch for longer than we knew each other. We've changed, I've changed. Just because we were once close doesn't mean that we have anything in common now' except for a dark haired boy with hazel green eyes, they'd always have him in common even if Ray never knew 'these things happen when people lose touch, its no one's fault, its life. I don't want any bad feelings between us, we have to work together, but me being back doesn't mean we're going to pick up where we left off, we're not' she made to leave the elevator 'I've got him from here'

She hoped he couldn't see her body shaking as she pushed the trolley away. She wanted to find the nearest rest room and sob her heart out, she wanted to run back to him and tell him she loved him, tell him about Jamie, but she kept walking down the corridor.


	7. When Food Is Not Enough

Disclaimer: Still don't own ER. Well here's the first of the brand new chapters, no more old ground to be covered. This isn't quite how I intended this chapter to be, but I'm really happy with it, oh, and be warned its kind of short, hopefully will have more for you to read soon. Now you all know what I like, reviews please.

--- Chapter 6 – When Food Is Not Enough ---

He was sorry. Neela couldn't stop the thought from repeating in her mind. He was sorry. She gripped the edge of the steel sink as she stared into the mirror. He was sorry.

She tried to swallow back the tears but she was powerless to stop them, they trickled down her cheeks as she gazed unseeingly at her reflection. He didn't get to be sorry, he didn't get to do that, not now, not after all this time. She'd done it all alone, the morning sickness, the cravings, the sleepless nights, the teething, all things she'd wanted to share with him, she'd done alone, and he was sorry.

_Flashback_

_He wouldn't stop crying. Crying and crying and crying. Neela was convinced his wails were getting louder. She'd tried feeding him, he wasn't interested; changing him, no difference; she'd even tried singing to him but his cries only got worse._

_She was tired, had worked a 16 hour shift, and now all she wanted was to crawl into bed and sleep, and all he would do was cry._

_Her own tears were falling, tears of exhaustion, tears of sympathy for her baby, tears of pity for both of them. For the last few months she'd pushed Ray from her mind, she had to, she'd never have gotten through those first few weeks of motherhood if she hadn't, but now, with the tears continuing to fall, and Jamie continuing to cry, she couldn't stop herself._

_If Ray was here he'd know what to do, Jamie would stop crying for his daddy. Just the sound of his voice would put a smile on his little face and hush his cries. His daddy would sing to him, and tell him silly stories. His daddy would hold mummy and make it all better. She didn't give any thought to whether she was being realistic or not, her sleep deprived mind believed that Ray would do a better job than she could._

_Neela's sobs were mixing with Jamie's, her cries almost as loud as her son's, and in the small remaining logical part of her mind she knew these thoughts and tears weren't helping either of them. She gulped large amounts of air as she tried to calm her sobs, but her mind wouldn't give up Ray 'Shall, I tell you about your daddy, would you like that?'_

_She settled back on the bed. Jamie nestled against her shoulder as he continued to cry 'Well your daddy is a wonderful man, he's a doctor like me, but he helps people when they've been in accidents or are ill, and he's kind to them and he makes them better, yes he does you know' Was it her imagination or were his cries lessening. She stole a quick glance at his face and for the first time in a couple of hours he looked more peaceful, the redness calming, and she could almost believe he understood what she was saying. 'You like hearing about your daddy, don't you?'_

_She'd said throughout her pregnancy that she didn't do baby talk, that there would be no cooing from her, but she couldn't help it, just like she couldn't help thinking about Ray 'Your daddy would love you very much you know, but he's' she swallowed the lump in her throat 'your daddy's got another life in Chicago, someone else he loves instead of me, and I wouldn't, I couldn't spoil that for him. Not that you'd spoil his life because you wouldn't, he'd love you but being linked to me, that's not what he wants' she couldn't speak any more, her throat was tight with tears, her face burning as the tracks dried and reformed. _

_Jamie was asleep, his thumb tucked between his pouting lips, his dark eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks. She, on the other hand, was awake and lonely. All she wanted was to feel Ray's arms around her, taking away the pain and allowing her to sleep peacefully. _

_The drawer creaked as she eased it open, teasing the hidden photo out with one hand. A painful smile crossed her face as she ran her thumb across his face for the umpteenth time, he should be here._

_End flashback_

She looked in the mirror again, the mascara paths a tell tale sign of her tears. She had to pull herself together, there was a man being prepped for the OR, who expected her to be on her game, he didn't need her to be distracted and tearful. She was here to be a surgeon, not cry over the past. She splashed the cold water on her face, wiping away the mascara, and walked out the restroom, the unaffected façade falling back into place as the door swung shut.


	8. Rocket Fuelled Anger

Disclaimer: I don't own ER. Sorry its been so long since the last update, I've had this for the last few days but had a short story competition to enter first, fingers crossed. I've feeling fairly pessimistic about the future of our roomies in the series, so I'm turning to the fan fiction to get my happy ending, and there's a lot of good stuff out there. Well, I hope you enjoy, this one might clarify some of the misunderstandings. Feedback please.

--- Chapter 7 – Rocket Fuelled Anger ---

As he tuned his guitar Ray's mind drifted back to his conversation with Neela earlier. He'd stood watching her walk away until the elevator doors had sprung shut and it had started its descent to the ER.

At that moment he'd hated her. Hated that she could walk away like that, whilst he was still trying to get his mind around her words, hated that she seemed so unaffected. He was willing, no he needed, to put the effort into making it work, why didn't she? How could she take what had been so important and dismiss it as if it was nothing?

But then he remembered the look he'd seen in her eyes, the way her smile had lit her up from inside in response to his, and he knew that she wasn't as immune to their meeting as her attitude made out. He still knew her, of that he was sure.

He adjusted one of the strings, tightening it fractionally, as he continued to think about her words. A comment she'd made had been bugging him all afternoon, more so than almost everything else. She'd said they'd changed, both of them. He could see she had, it was in her demeanour, the way she carried herself, the confidence she exuded, but what was she seeing that made her think he'd changed?

He didn't get it. Okay, so he was an attending now, so what, that was natural progression, he couldn't remain a R2 for the rest of his days. But he still lived in the same apartment, still ate the same breakfast, he still brought random girls home, though now there was no one to complain, hell, he'd even formed a new band. His life was pretty much the same as when she'd left. He hadn't changed.

As much as he tried he couldn't stop thinking about her, she was sneaking into his band practise, preventing him from really letting loose, from feeling the music. It was all her fault, why wouldn't she leave him alone.

He knew that if he asked anyone who'd known him for a while, someone like Brett or Nick, they'd say he had changed. He'd grown up, he was more responsible, less likely to goof around, but it hadn't happened in the last five years, no, it was before that, and they, and he knew it was down to her. He'd become a better person, a better doctor due to her, and in some way, for her, and it frustrated the hell out of him that it hadn't been enough. What riled him even more was that...

'Hey, did you see that new surgeon chick? Those heels, and those...' Chris sighed wishfully 'Man, that woman is hot'

Ray smirked, but silently agreed. She'd always been kind of sexy in that understated, if you look close enough sort of way, not in that 'she's drop dead gorgeous' sense. But it went further than that, her intelligence, her stubbornness only added to her appeal, made guys want to see what really made her tick inside.

He'd always been under the seriously misguided notion that she'd slipped under most guys radar, for a while he'd been oblivious to her charm, so why wouldn't others be? But there had been Gallant, the fool that married her and then left, he couldn't think of him as anything else, he would never have walked away if she'd promised to love and cherish him. And then there was that asshole Gates, who'd followed her around with his tongue hanging out. Brett wouldn't have said no to her either, he still couldn't believe that he'd ever suggested she went out with him. So, no she was never off the radar, she just used stealth tactics to sneak under without warning. But this new Neela was doing more than that, she was turning heads, it didn't matter where he went, from the pharmacy to radiology they were all talking about the new Chief of Surgery.

'What I wouldn't give for a bit of that'

He felt his grip tighten on his guitar. Normally he'd have been right in there, joining in the conversation, but not this time, not when it was Neela they were talking about. The idea of any of these... these freaks (okay, they were decent guys but not when it came to her) thinking about, let alone actually, touching her was turning his stomach.

'Man can you imagine, she might be small, but did you see those legs...'

Ray consciously wiped his hand down his jeans, trying to prevent it from clenching into a fist to hit Dan with.

'From what I've heard Barnett doesn't need to imagine, the way I hear it, he knows what she's like under those scrubs'

He felt three pairs of eyes settle on him.

'Is that so?' Chris raised an eye in question 'you're keeping pretty quiet on this one, Ray, anything you want to share?'

He forced a cocky grin onto his face, let them think what they liked, this was one memory he wasn't willing to share.

Chris grinned 'She was that good? Wow, I don't think I've ever seen you stuck for words' he punched Ray playfully on the arm 'I like your taste, dude. That's one fine piece of ass'

He could feel his blood simmering in his veins, trying desperately to maintain his cool façade.

'Can't say the same for her though, I heard she slept with Dubenko, can you imagine' Dan grimaced in amusement.

His knuckles were turning white and for a moment he thought he'd snapped the neck of his guitar, he knew if it had been human it would have been turning purple by now. He forced his fingers to unfurl.

'How'd you think she got where she is? You don't get to that level without their being some on-call room action. Don't say I blame her, if you've got it use it I say'

It was taking him everything he had not to fling his guitar to one side and spring to her defence, fists first, but the rational part of his mind knew it would only add fuel to the already flaming fire.

'What's so great about her? Okay, she's got a decent ass and legs, an average rack but she's nothing special, some of the nurses are far hotter' Andy, the fourth member of the band, seemed to have decided to add his weight to the conversation 'she seems a bit easy, if you ask me, Barnett here, Dubenko, some army guy way back, and rumour has it that she doesn't even know who her kids father is'

Ray's blood had reached boiling point. He carefully placed his guitar on a chair. In a few strides he was standing facing Andy. Then his fury erupted.

With both hands he grabbed the front of the drummer's t-shirt and pulled him towards him.

'Hey man!' Andy squealed, his voice coming out an octave higher than it had been a moment before.

'DON'T, don't ever, let me hear you talking about her like that again, okay?' he tightened his grip on the fabric 'she's a thousand times the person you are, don't you forget it' his fingers unfurled and he pushed Andy away before turning to face the rest of the band. 'It doesn't matter what she's done in her private life, she's got to where she is by working damn hard and by being infuriatingly brilliant at what she does'

He took a deep breath, less sure about the next words out of his mouth 'What does it matter if she's got a child, its not unusual and whether she knows who the father is or not its none of our business' He remembered a conversation he'd overheard Abby having with her, about five months after she left, and, as he felt his heart sink in his chest, he knew that was the key to the answer.

_Flashback_

_'I doubt its going to come as a surprise to you but we've decided that Joe and I are going to move to Croatia' from his place on the couch he heard the door slam shut behind Abby 'Luka's dad's not getting any better... and __I__'m not really dealing with things here on my own'_

_The sound of running water, and the clinking of china filled the break room. He kind of thought that he should make Abby aware that he was there and could hear her conversation but at the same time he didn't want to interrupt her._

_'I know, I know, look don't blame yourself, you needed to get away from here, you aren't my nursemaid. Anyway, enough of that, the reason I was calling is that we were thinking of stopping off in London on the way'_

_He felt his hand clench around the cushion as his heart sped up. Okay, it was clear now who she was talking to. He really should have made his move a moment ago, but would she know he'd been listening if he lay here with his eyes shut, he didn't think so. He just wanted to know how she was. _You'd know how she was if you hadn't deleted all her emails,_ a voice persisted in his ear_.

_The refrigerator door creaked open and in his mind he could see Abby sniffing the milk before reluctantly pouring it into her coffee._

_'And Joe was wondering if we could see you. He really misses his Auntie Neela'_

_Joe wasn't the only one, he thought. He missed her so much he was resorting to lying here, feigning sleep on the off chance that he'd find out something about her new life, her new life without him, how sad was he._

_Abby's laugh filled the room 'I'm intrigued, a new man I hope. You're obviously going to tell Doctor Abby everything'_

_The air accelerated out of his lungs as Abby stirred the sugar into her coffee. Okay, that he didn't want to know, why hadn't he made a run for it earlier, it was too late now, Abby would know that he'd heard that and he wouldn't hear the end of it. And she was just guessing, right? Didn't mean it was true. Didn't mean..._

_'Yeah, yeah, you know you're going to tell me eventually, so why not now' She laughed again 'So, what's he like? Tall, dark, handsome or more like a certain rocker type that we know you have a pench...'_

_It felt like his heart was imploding in his chest. It couldn't be true. Not when he still woke reaching for her, not when he could still taste her lips, not when with his eyes closed he dreamt he was with her. How could she have moved on so soon?_

_'OH'_

_Ray raised his eyes to see Abby standing at the end of the couch, coffee mug in hand, staring at him, as she ignored the tinny voice talking in her ear. He hadn't heard her move. _

_'Look, I'll call you back later, okay' she snapped the phone in her hand shut, shoving it into her laptop coat pocket 'Ray...'_

_'Doesn't matter, I'm just going. I...' he desperately tried to swallow the lump in his throat, not wanting her to see how upset he was, as he made his way towards the door 'I didn't mean to over hear your conversation'_

_'Ray, its not what you think' she shrugged her shoulders, giving him a sympathetic look. He didn't need her sympathy, not now, not after hearing that. What he needed was a beer or two. No, what he needed was to get wasted, to taste oblivion._

_'Save it, Lockhart' he leant his hand against the doorframe, trying not to notice how much he was shaking 'we were' he swallowed again, his throat feeling tighter than ever 'we were just friends. This is what's supposed to happen, and if this guy... if she's happy' his eyes were burning now 'well I'm happy. But if he does anything, and I mean anything, to hurt her then' the door swung shut behind him, his statement left unfinished._

_End Flashback_

That had been a bad day, and night. He pulled himself back to the present 'If she hears any of you talking like this, she'll kick your asses so hard that you'll knock yourselves out'

'Chill dude, we were just having a laugh, didn't mean to touch on a sore spot' Chris took a step back as he spoke in case Ray decided to lash out at him as well.

'Well...' he bit his lip as he realised how his reaction would be read 'I don't appreciate it when its over someone I care about'

He stalked back across the room, grabbed his guitar and coat, and stormed out.

Fundamentally that was what had been bugging him all afternoon. He still cared about her, hell, he could pretty safely say after that little performance, that he was still in love with her. And he had no idea where to start in making things right.


	9. Elephants, Cutlery and Mummy

Disclaimer: I don't own ER. Okay, you're not dreaming I really am posting an update to this story. I have to apologise for how long its taken, I sort of lost interest in this story with all the current goings on in ER but I got a lovely message from TRY2 which spurred me on, and having read it from the start I'm back on board and hoping to write quite a bit over the next few weeks. On that note I should warn you that I'm jetting off on a long haul holiday this weekend so won't be able to update but hopefully I will have lots to post when I get back. Remember that I love feedback and it does encourage me to write more, so I hope to hear from lots of you. And fingers crossed that we'll get a happy ending to our Roomies tonight.

---Chapter 8 – Elephants, Cutlery and Mummy ---

How dare he? How dare he come across all nice and charming with his twinkling eyes and his... How dare he? She clattered the pan into the cupboard before reaching for the plates.

This was his doing, his choice, and still he'd stood there asking why it was so awkward. Why did he think? Did he think she'd greet him with open arms; she'd sent him emails, left the bastard voicemail, she slammed the plates onto the shelf causing the glasses to rattle ominously, for God's sake she'd even written him a bloody letter, but no he'd wanted nothing to do with her, had even returned the letter unopened, and yet he didn't understand why they couldn't pick up where they'd left off, was it just her or did that not make sense?

Who the hell did he think he was? Did he seriously think she couldn't work at County without him by her side, she threw each knife, fork and spoon into the drawer, unconsciously gleaming satisfaction from the racket they made. She'd show him, that's what she'd do, Neela Rasgotra didn't need a man to hold her hand, she didn't need a man for anything. She was quite capable of looking after herself, hadn't she been doing that perfectly well for the last five years? Why should anything change now?

She crouched down, peering into the dishwasher. It was empty. All her anger and frustration drained away as she stared at the empty racks. It was empty. She felt her legs wobble under her, but she couldn't move, couldn't will her legs to straighten. What was she supposed to do now, her anger had fuelled her through picking up Jamie, cooking dinner, getting him to bed, and now, now that the last piece of cutlery was put away she didn't know what to do.

She needed a book, an expert, someone, to tell her what to do when the anger faded, when all she was left with was the realisation that she'd just pushed away the man she'd spent the last seven years dreaming about. She'd thought about that moment, seeing him for the first time in all those years, so many times. The soft focus scene where she threw herself into his welcoming arms, the blurted out, badly handled truth of their son, the bitter anger ladden words or even the complete non event, but it had been none of those and she didn't know how to deal with it. Never had she imagined that it would leave her feeling like this.

'Mummy?' his quiet voice pierced through her inner monologue, the confusion and fear it held heading directly for her heart.

She turned to look at him, taking in his bleary sleep soaked eyes, his dishevelled spiderman pyjamas and the worn blue elephant that never left his side, and smiled a tear-ladden smile as he timidly approached her.

God, look at him, her little boy. She'd done this with her crashing and slamming, she'd woken him, probably dragging him from dreams of chasing dinosaurs or performing in a circus ring, she'd taken him away from that, just like she'd taken him away from his family, his home, to come here. What had she been thinking? Why had she thought it was a good idea to come back?

She pulled him in close as he buried his head in her shoulder, breathing in his sweet smell, this was what was important, just this 'Lets get you back to bed'

* * *

'Mummy?'

She looked up at him momentarily as she continued to battle with the buckle on his seat. 'Yes?'

'Are all elephants blue?' the seriousness of his question, and his face, made her laugh inside, but she knew better than to let him see, if he thought she was laughing at him there'd be tears.

'Hmm' she looked at the well loved elephant that he was holding 'Let me think, the ones in the wild are mostly a grey dusty brown, you remember the colour of Auntie Elizabeth's garden last year?' Jamie nodded thoughtfully 'but _I've_ seen elephants in books that have been purple and green and yellow, and ones that wear hats and skirts...' as she spoke she tickled her fingers lightly over his small squirming body, the sound of his breathy giggles like a harmony in her heart. 'Should Blue have a hat, do you think?' she examined the toy carefully, as if he was a crucial CT scan, loving the sight of her little boy's wide grin as she did so.

Jamie nodded eagerly, whilst biting his lip.

'You think he should, mmmh, a pom-pom hat like yours?' he shook his hat covered head vigorously, the pom-pom flying from side to side, the grin staying in place 'No, okay, what about... what about a hat like Uncle Luka's then, with furry ears?'

'No mummy' he giggled 'don't be silly, he's got furry ears already' his giggling was infectious and she couldn't help but giggle along with him 'Blue wants a hat like that man's'

She followed his pointed finger out the window and across the street towards a man wearing a baseball hat, walking away from them. Her heart lurched in her chest, stopping the flow of oxygen, silencing her laughter. For a moment she thought it was Ray, but as the man turned his head she caught a glimpse of the sun reflecting off his glasses and she knew instantly that it wasn't.

'Mummy... Mummy _can_ he have one, please? Can he?' Jamie's voice slowly filtered through the fog of her mind. 'Please mummy' her eyes swung back to her son, to the face that had been full of childish innocence a second ago but his lips had now fallen into a familiar pout and his hazel green eyes begged for a yes, and shone with the knowledge that he'd get one. It was a look she'd found hard to resist when she'd seen it on his father's face, and she was no more immune to it now than she had been then.

She couldn't hate Ray, she realised, as much as she tried, as angry as she got, she couldn't hate him. How could she when Jamie was a part of him, when in Jamie's expressions and actions she could see Ray shining through. And those eyes, those eyes had the ability to break or make her day, she fell more in love with both of them every time she looked in Jamie's eyes.

'We can see if we can find one small enough for Blue on Sunday, is that okay?' she moved away, closing the rear door as she opened the drivers side.

The enthusiastic bobbing of Jamie's pom-pom was all the answer she needed.

* * *

'Have you told him yet?'

Distracted she continued to pull the brush across the elephant's damp fur 'Who?'

Abby sighed audibly 'Neela, _have_ you told Ray about his son?' she spoke slowly as if talking to an inattentive child.

'No _Abby_, I haven't and I'm not going to' she was concentrating on the soft fur of Blue's ears where Jamie had spilt his juice earlier, soaking them.

Without looking at her friend she could tell that Abby was clenching her jaw 'Neela...'

'Nu...uhuh, we're not having this conversation again, are we clear? I tried to make him a part of our lives, I really tried, do you know, can you ever realise how hard it was every time I picked up the phone and called him? She pushed her seat away from the table as she rose to pace the room 'Jamie wasn't even six hours old when his girlfriend hung up on me, but I kept trying, I really kept trying, and he just kept pushing us away'

Abby turned in her chair to face her as she walked the floor, she could see the anger on her face 'But...'

'There's no buts Abby, do you know how much I wanted him to be a part of this, for Jamie to know him, its all I wanted, all through my pregnancy, every scan, every kick, I wanted him there. And then when Jamie was born that didn't go away, his first smile, his first tooth, the first steps he took, all I could think was that Ray should have been there, should have been a part of it, I can't do that again, I just can't, I've moved on'

Abby reached out to stop her movement, laying a hand on her arm as Neela resisted the temptation to shrug her off 'This isn't about you though, is it? This is about Jamie, its different now, his father isn't hundreds of miles away, he's here, in this city and he deserves to know him'

A tear spilled over as Neela raised her gaze to meet Abby's 'I don't know if I can...'

'Its not a matter of whether you can or not, you have to, I've seen how Jamie is around Luka...'

Neela couldn't stop herself from interrupting, the words choking in her throat 'You're not saying that he's...'

'No, no, I don't mean that, you just have to look at him to see what a happy, content kid he is, you are a great mother, he looks up to you so much, he loves you, but he still... I don't know how to explain it, but I see him looking at Joe and Luka, and I can see that he wants that father/son thing. I guess when you were in London he had your father and brother, other men in his life, so it wasn't as apparent but here... You have to tell him'

She sank bank into the chair, her cheeks soaked 'I can't... I need to think about it... I need to work out how to tell him' Neela brushed the tears from her face.

Abby smiled as she nodded 'Of course, and if you need to talk about it more I'm here, you know that'

'I just...' she raised her eyes to the ceiling, blinking furiously to hold back the next onslaught 'God, I tried so hard last time, the only thing I didn't do was show up here pregnant, and the idea of trying to do it again...'

Again Abby reached out and covered her hand 'It'll be easier, you're in the same city, working in the same place, none of the communication hurdles in the way'.

She sighed deeply 'I guess you're right, it would probably help if we were speaking though' Neela lifted the mug in front of her, grimacing as the lukewarm coffee hit the back of her throat'

'Yeah, I think so...' Abby was cut off by a choked sob coming from the doorway.

'Mummy...' he sniffed tearfully 'Blue? Where's Blue?' even in the dim light of the side lamps she could see the redness in his tired eyes, and the damp trails on his cheeks 'I want.... Blue, I... want Blue'

She looked down at the small elephant lying on the table in front of her 'Hey baby, its okay, look Blue's here, he was just having his ears washed, remember?' his face broke out into a wide grin of recognition 'Auntie Abby and I found carrots, and cauliflowers, and broccoli in his ears' her mouth echoed his 'Here was me thinking you like your vegetables but you've just been hiding them in Blue's ears, haven't you? Haven't you? He grabbed a hold of the newly clean elephant as he pushed his way onto her knee, her arms instinctively pulling him close 'Are you going to say thank you to Abby for cleaning Blue? He was very messy'

He pulled his thumb out of his mouth with a loud pop 'Thank you Auntie Abby'

* * *

As she waited for her tea she noticed Ray approaching the coffee stand, his old green anorak pulled tight against the cold 'Hey, what are you after? I'll get it' She forced her mouth into a bright, friendly smile.

He stopped beside her, raising his eyebrows as he looked questioningly at her 'Um... no its okay... I'll just wait'

'No don't be daft, its what...' she stopped herself mid flow 'what do you want?' Standing this close to him all she wanted to do was turn and run. Actually that wasn't true, what she wanted to do was lean closer, raise herself up onto tiptoes whilst balancing her hands on his chest, and then she wanted to lean forward and touch her lips to his. Would he respond? Would he pull her close, would his kiss match the ferocity of hers, would their bodies melt together, tongues duelling as they re-learnt each other? Would he pull away before lowering his lips to her bare neck, tasting and sucking the exposed skin there. Her knees went weak at the thought and she had to grab hold of the counter to balance herself. She knew what she'd have done next, she'd have moved closer, leaning her head to the side, her hair cascading down her back as she offered him more access to the sensitive skin. She felt a moan rising inside her, and in her mind she could feel his body responding...

Ray quirked his head to one, looking at her curiously, he was sure her eyes were glazing over, an image of the last time he'd seen her like that flashed before his eyes and he had to blink rapidly to clear it 'No, I'm sure, we're just colleagues remember?'

He could have kicked himself. This wasn't the way to win her friendship back, to win her back. As the words left his mouth he could see her visibly tense, pulling away from him, even as she paid the barrista and picked up her drink.

'Right, you're right, I'm sorry'

He wanted to shout after her that there was nothing to be sorry about, but the words were blocked by another memory of her in his arms.


	10. Hunger

Disclaimer: I don't own ER. First up, I'm really sorry that I haven't updated for so long, and I'm really sorry that I start each chapter with a similar statement, what can I say, I suck at updating! I'm making no promises this time, as I've broken them every other time, so here we go. This bit is short, and yes, I am mean enough to end it on a minor cliffhanger! Thanks as always to Ines, for pushing me along, its your turn now hon!

---Chapter 9 - Hunger ---

She'd tried to speak to him since then, each time with no success, circumstances always getting in the way. Just this morning they'd been interrupted by an incoming trauma, a MVA, and the conversation had ended before it began.

It was strange that in those first few weeks she'd avoided Ray, keeping her distance, but now, now she found herself conjuring up places to run into him, places they could chat. She told herself that it was for Jamie, that he deserved to know his father, but deep down she knew it was more than that, she wanted Ray to be a part of her life again.

The corridor was curiously quiet as she walked towards her office, her heels echoing in its emptiness. Then she heard a throaty giggle coming from the nurses station and for some unexplainable reason, she felt her hackles rise.

He couldn't have said how he knew it was Neela, but somehow he did. It hadn't been anything as prosaic as the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end, but something in him just knew it was her. And something in him, whether it was suppressed anger at what she'd said or that she'd left in the first place, he didn't know, but he had a sudden overwhelming urge to make her jealous. So an innocent enquiry about a patient had turned into him leaning over the counter, making eye contact, smiling flirtatiously, using all the techniques he used to pick up women.

As she rounded the corner, Neela felt her stomach flip, anger suddenly rising up her throat like bile. For a moment she had a strong need to shout at the young blonde nurse, scratch and bite in a fight of possession, but the sane part of her head stopped her, even making her bite her own cheek to restrain herself. She had no rights to him, he was a free agent, he could 'smile' at whoever he liked.

She continued to struggle against the urge to act like a jilted school girl as she quickened her pace towards them 'Ray, can I have a word?'

He pretended he was oblivious to Neela until she spoke and then he slowly turned to face her, flashing a last smirk at the nurse, whose name he'd forgotten 'Sure.'

Her breath escaped her every time she saw him, it was as if he'd stepped out of her fantasies, the stethoscope slung casually around his neck, his hands shoved deep in the pockets of his white lab coat, and his rebellious blue jeans peaking out underneath. How he got aware with wearing jeans as an attending she didn't know, but she wouldn't be complaining.

How could she look so good in a plain black suit? How was it possible for that skirt to cling to her curves like that? Surely it wasn't appropriate dress for the office, but he knew it was only his mind that made it inappropriate. Even as he pushed his hands deeper into his pockets his fingers itched to push the strands of hair that had escaped her bun back behind her ears.

She was entering her office as he pushed away from the counter, the nurse behind it completely forgotten. As cruel as it seemed, and he hadn't meant it cruelly, she'd been nothing more than a tool to make Neela jealous.

He'd been in her office before, back when it was Crenshaw's and they'd had to exchange words about the best treatment for a patient or two, but it somehow seemed different with her in it. She'd moved the furniture, he could see that, the desk now facing out into the room, her back to the window. There were a couple of prints on the walls that he recognised from when they lived together, she'd once told him who they were by, but, as he looked at them, he couldn't remember.

She sat in the chair behind her desk as he hovered by the door. Her stomach felt like it had grown wings and taken flight, her nerves pounding. She tried to tell herself that she was just worried about telling him, that it was perfectly understandable, but when he leant casually against the wall she felt her breath hitch in her throat, and knew she couldn't put that solely down to nerves. He still affected her the way he always had.

He was unsure whether he should sit or not, confused about what he was doing there. It had to be work related but he couldn't even think of a patient they'd both been working on in the last couple of days, let alone today. It couldn't be anything else though. Then he remembered her behaviour at the coffee stand, and this morning, and he wasn't so sure 'What was it you wanted Neela?'

His own tone took him by surprise. He knew he was still angry, upset, but hadn't realised quite how much until he spoke.

She tried to resist the impulse to physically pull back at the coolness in his voice, she knew she couldn't react, she had to do this for Jamie 'It's not work, its personal.'


	11. Hunger part 2

Disclaimer: I don't own ER. Okay, once again I'm apologising for not updating, I'm sorry, I don't know what happens, I get side tracked and then its months later and I've not updated, please just bare with me, I will get there! Though on this occasion I am casting a bit of the blame on , I've been trying to upload this since Friday but have just been getting error messages, thankfully I read of a work around which hopefully will work. Hope you enjoy!

---Chapter 10 - Hunger, part 2 ---

Ray responded as Neela expected him to. He turned away, grasping the door handle, ready to leave.

He paused as he went to pull the door towards him, his palm still resting on the handle. Had Neela really said 'personal'? After she'd said, what was it? Oh yes, 'it doesn't mean we have anything in common now', yes after she'd said that she wanted to talk personal. What was she playing at? He wasn't going to stick around to find out. He pulled the door open. A little voice whispered in his ear, wasn't this what he wanted? But he chose to ignore it, preferring to act the wronged child. What was it about her that made him act like a fourth grader? 'If that's the case I better get downstairs, you've made it clear where things stand between us.'

'Ray please sit down, there's something I need to tell you' the beads of sweat blistered on her palms. This was a conversation she'd wanted to have five years ago, a conversation she'd tried to have five years ago, and she wasn't going to let him put an end to it now, not when she'd worked up the courage to do it.

First of all though she needed to apologise. She needed to get rid of the coldness, the hostility in his eyes, before she could tell him. 'I'm sorry for what I said the other week, it wasn't true, I was just' she shrugged 'I don't know, I didn't mean it.'

She didn't mean it? She'd basically thrown their friendship back in his face and now she was saying she didn't mean it. He smirked, shaking his head, unbelievable. 'It sure sounded like to to me.'

'Ray, please,' he met her eyes and Neela knew he wasn't going to give an inch, and suddenly she knew that she had to fix their friendship before she could tell him about Jamie. She wasn't sure why, but sitting there, opposite him, feeling the waves of animosity rolling of him, it suddenly seemed the most important thing to do. 'I miss your friendship. It seems wrong being back here and us not being friends.'

Hell yes, he agreed with that but how come it had taken her so long to say it. He laughed bitterly, masking his elation 'Well, we can't have that, can we?'

In the past he'd have been able to tell that he was winding her up, there would have been a flash of anger in her eyes and then she'd be hitting him, or at least raising her voice. This time he couldn't see any of that. What was the point of riling her if she didn't react, that had been the main reason for doing it in the days they'd roomed together.

She fought back the urge to slap the smirk from his face, she couldn't let him see that he was getting to her. She looked away from him for the first time since he'd entered the room, taking in the objects on her desk as if she'd never seen them before. Her eyes fell on a photograph of Jamie dressed as spiderman. She couldn't stop a smile from spreading across her face. He was the important one in this, it didn't matter how much Ray aggravated her, she was doing this for her son. 'I was wrong, I see that now. It's,' her voice faltered, the words piling up in her mouth, 'its been a long time. Before I came back I thought I'd got my life straight, I knew what I was doing, but being back here its like someone's moved all the pieces around and I don't know how things fit together any more. I took it out on you, I'm sorry for that.'

His eyes hadn't left her when she looked away, and he'd seen as the tension eased in her body, her shoulders relaxing and a slow smile brightening her face. She was looking at one of the framed images that littered her desk, and for a moment he wished she'd smile at him like that again.

Neela was holding out an olive branch to him, and even though he knew he should accept it the fourth grader in him wanted a final word, 'it hurt.'

She had to bite back that it had hurt when he never wrote, never called back, that it had hurt when he moved his girlfriend into their apartment the day she'd done the pregnancy test. She let out a long sigh, 'I know, and I've said I'm sorry,' she resisted the urge to roll her eyes at his childish attitude, 'I'd like it if we could be friends.'

It was the first step to her telling him about Jamie, well that's what she told herself.

Ray was silent for a moment, the child in him had for once lost its voice. Friends. She wanted to be friends. It was a hollow victory, yes he missed her friendship, but he wanted more than that, he wanted her, pure and simple. He wanted what they'd had that night all those years ago, but if all she was offering was friendship he'd take it. Friends would be good enough for him, for now. 'Yeah, I'd like that,' he was surprised by the husky timbre of his voice. 'Hey, if you're not too busy perhaps we could grab a drink later, you know, catch up?'

For the first time that afternoon she smiled at him, a real smile, the weight rising off her shoulders. She could tell him tonight, it was better to do it away from the hospital. 'I'd like that,' then her eyes focused on the photo in front of her,' but I can't, not tonight, I'm sorry.'

The jealousy he'd felt earlier rose again. What was in that frame that was stopping her meeting him. Was it a husband? Boyfriend? A child? Not for the first time he hated that there was so much about her life that he didn't know. He rose to leave, shoving his hands deep in his pockets as he did so 'O...kay then, I understand, some other time then.'

She could tell he didn't understand what she meant, how could he when he didn't know the full story. And if he walked out now she'd never be able to tell him. 'Ray wait, I don't think you do understand. When I said things have changed, I meant it, my life's changed, I've got a son now.'

The air was gone from his lungs, he felt like he'd been sucker punched, blind sided, blown off course. It was true, the rumours were true. He could hardly hear his own voice 'I'd heard the rumours...'

She smiled softly, 'it makes it awkward to make last minute plans.'

She had a son. All sorts of questions were running through his mind. Where was his father? Was she still with him? Did she love him? For the briefest moment a thought crossed his mind, could he be the father? But he knew that wasn't possible, she would have told him if that was the case. He didn't give a thought to the fact that he'd ignored all communication he'd had from her after she'd left. His mouth felt dry, and he was finding it hard to formulate a sentence 'Yeah, I see,' he swallowed roughly, 'is his father not around?'

The air felt heavy with the weight of his question. It was another opportunity to tell him. What could she say? Yes but he doesn't know Jamie's his son. No, but he would be if he knew. The words caught in her throat, she couldn't do it, not now. It needed to be done somewhere that wasn't County.

He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. He knew he wasn't asking in regard to babysitting.

'Its... its complicated, can we leave it at that for the moment? I promise I'll tell you when there's more time.' Her heart, and hands were tying themselves in knots.

He let out a rush of air as the relief coursed through his veins. He could take that answer, it wasn't the best, that would have been, no he's not around, I don't know where he is and I don't care, but he'd settle for complicated for now.

She could see the twinkle in his eyes as he sat opposite her, smirking.

'Okay, I can go with that,' he ran a hand through his hair, fighting back the urge to jump around the room, 'so, it's safe to assume you're single then?'

'Ray!' He laughed as the blush rose up her neck, 'if I wasn't sitting round here, I'd hit you. But the answer to your question is yes I am.'

He'd been so sure that she wouldn't answer, that it took him a moment to take it in. She was single, things with her son's father were complicated, but she was single. His heart cheered at the thought. 'You can't blame a guy for asking!'

She shook her head, still laughing 'Look why don't you come round to mine for a drink on Thursday, that way I don't need to get a sitter and we can catch up, that's if you're not working?

He nodded slowly, 'Yeah that would be good. I'm finishing a week of earlys on Thursday, so yeah.'

As he walked out the room she couldn't keep the smile of her face, she was going to see him on Thursday. The smile slipped as she realised that she'd have to tell him then.


	12. The Mouths of Babes

Disclaimer: I don't own ER or any of the characters mentioned within, apart from Jamie. Apologies for taking so long to post the next update of this, I'm not even sure if anyone, other than me, is still interested in Ray and Neela stories, but I'm determined to get this finished, even if its only for myself, and hopefully before the grey hair dominates my head.

Chapter 11 – The Mouths of Babes

'Hey Joe, my man, high five,' Morris crouched down, holding up his hand for the small boy to hit, 'who's your new buddy?' He pointed at the brown haired boy beside Joe.

'That's Jamie,' Joe slung his arm over Jamie's shoulder, 'he's not my new buddy, I've known him since he was borned, he's my best friend.'

Neela was highly aware of Ray's proximity to the admit desk, and the conversation between Joe and Archie. The name might not have any significance to the latter but she had a feeling it would to Ray.

Flashback

_She'd been on a late shift, had arrived home just after midnight and her head had been so full of stuff that she couldn't imagine going to bed yet. Instead she'd plonked herself on the couch with her laptop, a beer, whilst she kept one eye on the TV. Then Ray had come home from a gig, taken control of the remote control, much to her annoyance, and was flicking the channels, not stopping on anything for more than a minute._

_The apartment was silent apart from the TV and the odd knock of glass on the table as one or other of them put their beer bottle back down. Just like any other night._

_'What's up?' Neela looked up from the email she was reading to find Ray looking at her._

_'Sorry?'_

_He collapsed onto the couch beside her, picking her feet up from where they encroached on his cushion and laying them across his lap. 'You just smirked at something, like you didn't believe what you were reading.'_

_His thumb was tracing circles on her anklebone. 'What makes you think that?' _

_He looked at her as if she was stupid, 'I know you. Its what you do, sort of a snigger mixed with an eye role.'_

_She was incredulous that he knew her well enough to know that, she wasn't even sure that's what she did. 'Just an email from an old school friend.'_

_'And? What did she say? Its only fair to share, roomie, you can't keep the funnies all to yourself.' He looked at her, pushing out his bottom lip, and she knew there was no point arguing, he would win. _

_'It's nothing really, she's had a baby, so I've got half a dozen photos of the kid...'_

_He interrupted her, 'and its doing what? Has she dressed the kid up, or is it just a really ugly baby?'_

_She laughed, trust Ray, 'no nothing like that, its not the pictures, they're sweet. I just can't believe what they've called her.'_

_'Well share,' he ran a finger over the underside of her foot, causing her feet to squirm. _

_'Not if you do that,' his fingers stopped moving, 'they've called her Victoria Patricia Loudon, its just nuts, surely they realise how cruel that is.'_

_He didn't get it, that much was clear from the confusion knotting his forehead, 'I don't get it.'_

_'The poor kid's initials are VPL,' the knots stayed, 'you know, Visible Panty Line. Her peers are going to ridicule her for the rest of her life.'_

_Ray's face creased with laughter, 'shit, poor kid. God, you've have thought they would have thought about that.'_

_'Perhaps they didn't see it, you didn't. I know that Helen's mum was called Patricia, but still,' she shook her head in disbelief._

_He lay one hand across her foot, the other still holding his beer bottle, 'I bet you've already got your kids names all planned out, haven't you?' _

_The questioning look in his eyes pierced right through her, 'no, of course not, what's that supposed to mean?'_

_'Roomie, look at me,' she raised her eyes to his again, 'what did I say earlier? I know you.'_

_'Okay, so what if I have? What's wrong with that?' Her beer bottle wobbled precariously as she placed it back on the table._

_'Nothing, I never said there was,' he raised an eyebrow, 'so you going to share?'_

_Again she saw no point in fighting, he'd work it out of her eventually, 'Mia or Jasmine for a girl,' she wasn't sure where either name had come from, she assumed she'd heard them once and had liked them ever since._

_'And a boy?' he tweaked her big toe, and she tried to pull her foot away. _

_'Don't really have any specific ideas, just names I would never inflict on a child,' he gave her another quizzical look, 'what now? There are just some names I don't like, that's all.'_

_'Such as?' he asked as he tilted the bottle to his lips again._

_'Daniel, John,' thinking about the latter sent a slight shiver down her spine, and she hoped he hadn't noticed it._

_'They seem fairly innocuous, what's wrong with them?'_

_'They remind me of people I'd rather not remember, people I've had issues with in the past,' she looked back down at her laptop, not seeing what was displayed on the screen, instead remembering long past events that had had no consequence on her life but still made her squirm._

_'Interesting roomie.' _

_She wasn't sure what to make of his tone, and in a move to divert attention, and further questioning, from her, she asked, 'so, what about you? I bet, despite your rock hard exterior, that you've got a name or two tucked up your sleeve.'_

_He shook his head, 'uh uh roomie, I don't plan on settling down, why deprive all the women out there,' he took another long drink from the bottle._

'_Don't give me that crap, you're just a big softie waiting to settle down.' She caught his eyes as they darted towards her. For a moment she didn't think he was going to respond, but as he tilted his bottle again she heard a murmur pass his lips, 'sorry?'_

'_James,' he didn't say anything else, instead he picked up the remote and started to flick through the channels again._

'_James, I like it. Any reason?' _

_He dropped the remote on the arm of the couch, 'it was my grandfathers name. After my dad left,' he glanced briefly at her before dropping his gaze to his lap, 'he was really the only person who had much time for me. He didn't have much money but he tried to help me out when I went to medical school, he had faith in me when no one else did.'_

_Neela closed her laptop, placing it on the floor beside her, it wasn't often that Ray opened up about his family and she didn't want to stop him now, 'I've never heard you mention him before, is he still alive?'_

_He swallowed sharply, 'no, he died during my second year, he never did get to see me with a stethoscope around my neck.'_

_She could sense that Ray was uncomfortable with the way the conversation had gone, and knew that, even though she wanted to know more, it would be best to lighten things up. 'Well, with a story like that you'll have no problems convincing whoever ends up having your baby that that's the right name.'_

_His fingers pulled at the label on his now empty beer bottle, ripping small patches off. It was a few minutes before he replied and even then she could hear the build up of emotion in his voice, 'you think so? Would it convince you, roomie?'_

_She was taken aback by the seemingly wistful look he was giving her. What did he mean by that? He couldn't be implying... No, that couldn't be it. If she gave a serious answer to the question, he'd laugh at her, and tease her mercilessly, and in any case, she wasn't sure what a serious answer would be. For a moment the idea of his child growing inside her didn't repulse her, in fact she rather liked it. She gave herself a mental shake, what the hell was she thinking? It was utter lunacy to imagine her and Ray ever getting together, let alone starting a family. She was obviously overly tired, 'in your dreams Barnett, in your dreams.'_

End Flashback

From the moment the ultrasound had confirmed that the baby was a boy, she'd know that she would call him James, after his great grandfather, no other name crossed her mind. It was only when she was lying on the sofa in her flat, seven months pregnant, reading a medical journal that she'd come up with the idea of Jameel. The author of the article had been a Jameel something or other, she couldn't remember what now, and it didn't matter. It was his first name that was important. Jameel would be the best of both worlds,, she'd escape the inquisition she'd surely have got for giving her child a purely western name, whilst still naming him after Ray's grandfather.

'Is that so?' Morris looked up at Abby with bemusement, 'so what are you guys doing here?'

Joe looked briefly at Abby, 'um, we've come to get Jamie's mommy, haven't we mommy?'

Jamie hadn't moved since Joe had draped his arm over his shoulder, a tentative smile on his face.

Morris grinned at the quiet child, 'and who would Jamie's mommy be?'

The look on Joe's face made Abby and Neela laugh, it said duh, don't you know. 'Auntie Neela of course, He doesn't have a daddy, I let him share mine though.

She closed her eyes briefly in embarrassment, when she opened them again she saw that Abby was biting her lip trying not to laugh. She caught her friend's gaze and Abby mouthed the words 'I'm sorry' in her direction. Neela shrugged her shoulders, it was bound to come out at some time and this way she didn't have to work out how to tell everyone.

She laughed again when she saw the incredulous look on Morris's face when he turned to face her. She watched as his eyes tracked up her body and back down again, and she stifled the urge to flinch under the intense scrutiny. It was as if he was looking for a visible, physical sign that linked her irrefutably to Jamie. But there wasn't any, dressed it was hard to see that her stomach was convex where it was once concave, or to see the stretch marks that decorated her belly. She knew that on the surface she looked very much like the Neela who had worked at County before, however much she'd changed.

'Really? I thought...' Morris stopped, maybe aware that he was about to stick his foot deep in his mouth. 'Wow, that's a surprise. I guess I thought if you ever had kids you'd give them Indian names.'

She'd heard it all before, her mother being the first to utter those words.

Flashback

_'What are you calling it then?' Neela's mother stood at the bottom of her hospital bed, coat buttoned to her chin, arms folded tightly across her check. It may have been down to the hormones charging around her system, but she didn't think she'd ever seen her mother look less welcoming. And today was the day she was meeting her new grandson. Neela felt alone. Her parents had just arrived even though her son had been born six hours ago, and even though they only lived three quarters of an hour from the hospital. She'd never felt so alone._

_She was all over the place, one minute she wanted to cry, the next laugh hysterically; she was plain out exhausted. Her labour had lasted twenty five hours. There'd been complications regarding her lack of dilation, and her anxiety had heightened with them. They'd talked of a caesarean, but finally, finally it had started going as it should, and she'd given birth to her son in the early hours of the morning. _

_Neela was so in awe of the little creature she held in her arms, a mop of dark hair covering his scalp, and his eyes tightly shut. She couldn't believe that he was finally here. She smiled down at his tiny little hands curled into fists, so perfect. It was too early to look for physical traits that he might have inherited from his father but despite that she kept wondering if his eyes were the same shade as Ray's, or whether his nose was the same shape. She;d wanted her mother to barge in and say that his hair was hers, that she'd had the same thick mop when she'd been born, but it hadn't been like that, her mother wasn't going to be like that with this grandchild. 'Mum, this is Jamie Rasgotra.'_

_She looked at her mum as she spoke, and she saw the anger and dismay push the nonchalance away. 'Ah, what sort of name is that? Is it not bad enough that you're not married, and that the father,' she was relieved that she'd never told her mum it was Ray, 'isn't a nice Indian man, but you're going to ignore our culture too. Why could you not give him a good strong Punjabi name?'_

_She sighed, she'd always known his name, his great grandfather's name, and she'd always known that her parents wouldn't approve of it. 'Mum, please don't start all that again, this isn't the way I ever intended to have children, but he's here now, and I'd really like it if you could be supportive. I know that you and dad are upset that his father isn't Indian, and you think he should have a Punjabi name, but that just isn't going to change,' she paused, running a finger over the soft skin of his cheek, 'but I did want him to have a link to our heritage and that's why I decided to call him Jameel Michael Rasgotra, Jamie for short.'_

_When she'd first discovered she was pregnant she'd felt that she'd some how betrayed Michael but as the months passed and her body changed as the life grew inside her, she'd been able to remember what he'd said in her video. He'd wanted her to move on, and have babies. He may not approve of her baby's father, but he would never have thought she was being disloyal to him. Naming her son after him was her way of paying homage to his memory, she couled only hope that people would understand, Abby thankfully had._

_She glanced up again, and watched in surprise as her mother's face brightened with a smile,'Jameel, that's a good Indian name, it means beautiful you know, your great uncle on my side's father was called Jameel, he was a good man. Far better than that bastardised name.' As she spoke she moved to Neela's bedside, the closest she'd been since she arrived, and reached out an arm to tentatively touch her grandson's clothed foot. 'And Michael,' she paused, 'your son should be honoured that you've given him that name.'_

_Her mother edged forward closer still, carefully taking the small bundle from Neela's arms, 'ah, look at him, he lives up to his name, doesn't he? He's perfect. Hello Jameel, I'm your nanni.'_

End Flashback

Neela laughed, 'why don't you tell Dr Morris your full name, Jamie?'

His eyes seemed to grow larger, as he stared directly at her, shaking his head madly, still to shy to speak to the red haired doctor.

'No? Well then, I will, not that its any of his business,' she was still too aware of Ray leaning against the admit desk even though she made sure not to make eye contact, it may not have been Archie's business, but it was definitely his, 'his name is Jameel Michael Rasgotra, Jamie for short.'

'Mummy!' She felt a small pair of arms wrap tightly around her legs in a hug, 'can we go yet?'

She laughed, rubbing her hand across the fine hair on his head; she wasn't surprised when he tried to push her hand away. 'Just give me a minute, I need to speak to Dr Pratt first, why don't you wait with Auntie Abby?'

She tuned out of the conversation going on around her as she filled Greg in on his patient, totally focused on her work, until she heard Jamie's voice. She looked across to where Abby and Joe where waiting but Jamie wasn't there. Her heart rate increased. She looked all around her but she couldn't see him. She felt an overwhelming sense of panic rising up inside her. She'd just heard him, he had to be here somewhere. And then he spoke again.

'Who _are_ you? Do you work with my mummy too?' his voice sounded so serious as she turned towards the elevators to see him tugging at the bottom of Ray's lab coat.

'Jameel Rasgotra! Leave Dr Barnett alone, he's a busy man.' She was stunned. Jamie didn't talk to people he didn't know. In fact, it took him a while to warm to anyone new, she only had to look at how he'd responded to Archie to see that. This wasn't his usual behaviour. And why Ray? Why had he picked him out of all the people here to talk to? She knew that Abby would say she told her so, that Jamie somehow knew that Ray was his father, but that was bollocks, how could he know that?

Neela saw Ray look at her briefly before he crouched down beside Jamie, 'I'm Ray, and yes, I guess, I do work with your mommy. You're name's Jamie, isn't it?'

She bit her lip as she watched the interaction, tears smarting her eyes. Ray was doing this for her, she knew that. It was ironic that when he found out the truth he'd hate her.

Jamie grinned, nodding enthusiastically, 'how did you know that?'

It felt like her heart was doing somersaults in her chest, seeing the two people she loved the most, who were most important to her, together for the first time. She'd imagined it so many times, yet it was a sight she'd never thought she'd see. She blinked back the tears, she couldn't cry here, not in front of all these people, not in front of Ray.

'I heard your buddy, Joe, telling Dr Morris. I guess you've come to pick your mom up, is that right?'

'Uh uh, Auntie Abby says if we're quick we can watch a dvd when we get back. Are you a doctor like Auntie Abby, Uncle Luka and mummy?'

'Yeah, I am, but your mom is a much better doctor than I am,' she noticed Ray glance across at her again. He smiled, and she gave him a weak one back.

'Why don't you look like them then?'

Everyone at the admit desk laughed at the comment. Jamie looked around flustered and confused. Neela knew that he didn't understand why they were laughing, and that if she didn't say something quickly it would end in tears, 'Jamie, come on, its time to go home. You can talk to Dr Barnett another time,' she expected him to run back to her, but he didn't. Instead he and Ray turned to her with identical expressions. It stole the breath from her. It was so unexpected. The eyes, the cheekbones, she'd thought that there wasn't a physical resemblance but she'd been wrong. She could see that now and it took her breath away.

She tore her gaze from them, trying to breath past the lump in her throat, as she looked for Abby's support. Her friend was ready, 'right guys, we need to get going if you want to watch Monsters Inc tonight. Joe, Jamie, come on.'

The two boys ran towards Abby, everything forgotten in the rush to see the film. For some reason it was their favourite, and neither got to watch it as much as he thought necessary. Necessary being at least ten times a week, and really more likely twenty.

Neela felt Ray's gaze on her. Even as he stood back up he was looking at her. She closed her eyes, swallowing deep. She couldn't return his look, her emotions were too close to the surface. She didn't know what she would do if she did, probably hurl herself at his feet admitting everything. There was one question repeating in her head, drowning out everything else, how could she have ever thought that keeping those two apart could be anything but wrong?

'Neela. Neela, are you ready?' Abby was shouting her name. It took a moment for it to sink in and then the thoughts started to clear. She needed to go home.

'Umm, yeah, see you guys tomorrow,' she mumbled as she walked past the desk, following Abby and the boys out the sliding doors.

Abby was waiting for her just outside, and as the doors slid shut, she put an arm around her shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze, 'like father, like son.'

That was one comment too many, the tears that had been welling up spilled over.


End file.
